Today a giant sorority of seven cute nations gets together in Geneva to have a chat about Iran's nuclear plans. The gals in question are the U.S. (the bossy one); China (the backstabbing Asian babe you totes can't trust with your secrets); Britain (the pale, uptight virgin); France (the gorgeous snob); Germany (the overly cheery born-again who used to be a terrible bitch); Russia (the fun, drunk trainwreck); and Iran (hot trouble with a capital "T.")
Here's a rundown of how the convo will probably definitely go down…
Britain: Alright then, girls, let's come to order. Order, please? Order? If you could perhaps stop speaking, just for — perhaps for a moment?
China: But when you do speak, please be sure to enunciate directly into the teacups I so graciously provided. Please do use an elevated volume of voice and return each cup to me after the meeting concludes. Feel free to share everything on your minds and to provide essential details.
U.S.: Christ, everybody shut up. Except for me. Would you like a donut? You would? Great. Here you go. I assume I can expect your undying loyalty from now until the end of time. Remember, I have Predator drones!
France: These teacups are not Limoges, and therefore I shall not drink from them. You all smell like boxed wine and other totems of low culture.
Germany: Speaking of tea, can I get anybody anything? Sugar? Lemon? Napkins? Thanks for inviting me, by the way. I mean, really. I'm just, I'm really glad everything is just cool with us, and that we can be friends for real now. I feel like you guys really like me for real, am I right?
Russia: WHO WANT TO MAKE FUCK AND SWIM IN POOL OF VODKA?!
Iran: I want to blow you all to shit. HAHA! J/K! No, but really.
Tags: China, France, Germany, Iran, Nuclear, Russia, Switzerland, United Kingdom