• Senate Republicans Reluctantly Agree to Maybe Throw a Few Coins at Sickly First Responders

    Aw, these Republicans, they're not so bad once you get to know them. They might grumble and growl about not wanting to divert any money away from the gold coin vaults of their billionaire friends for a few dirty firemen. But really, when it comes right down to it, all they need is to be publicly shamed in front of the entire nation, and they'll cave in and agree to your stupid 9/11 First Responders Health Care bill like the big softies they are.

    Provided you agree to gut the funding by nearly half

    The compromise on Wednesday was reached after the two New York senators, Charles E. Schumer and Kirsten Gillibrand, agreed to changes demanded by conservative Republicans, who raised concerns about the measure’s overall cost. Under the new agreement, the bill provides $4.3 billion over five years to provide health coverage to the 9/11 workers, instead of the original $7.4 billion over eight years.

    With lawmakers eager to get home for the holidays, the Senate is expected within the hour to take up the bill by unanimous consent, an agreement made between both parties to bypass any potentially time-consuming debate.

    It is truly a Christmas miracle! God bless us, everyone! Ho ho ho!

    Tags: 9/11, Chuck Schumer, First Responders, Health, Health Care, Kirsten Gillibrand, Republicans, Senate


About Us

Comedy Central's Indecision is the network's digital hub for news, politics and other jokes: we're here, we're everywhere. We're not affiliated with any television show. We're affiliated with ourselves.