• Mad Economists Hate on Euro

    A long, long time ago (before the early 2000s) in a galaxy far, far away (Europe, which is not a galaxy but rather a continent), there lived a bunch of people of different sizes, shapes, colors, temperaments, and pungent odors. You could drive the equivalent of the length of New Jersey and hit, like, three different countries, with three different cuisines and three separate ways to say, "Hello. You make sexes with mine naked?" (Incidentally, this also happens when you actually drive through Jersey.)

    When you stopped to exchange one currency for another, you could marvel at the silly colors and weird obscure heroes printed on the money (like, haha, "Mozart," or "Marie Curie," whoever the fuck they were.) But, as in the seminal children's classic The Giver, the forces of sameness prevailed. Europe adopted one boring currency, the Euro, and suddenly rich, fat American college students didn't come home with fistfuls of Monopoly money stashed alongside their absinthe and weed.

    Now, as Ireland, Greece, and Portugal teeter on the brink of economic collapse, some anti-Euro economists are saying, "Nyah, nyah!" (or whatever the local equivalent of "Nyah, nyah!" is.)

    "I knew from the very beginning that putting all these heterogeneous countries together would not work," said Wilhelm Nolling, a member of Germany’s Bundesbank governing council before the establishment of the European Central Bank who is now a professor of economics at the University of Hamburg.

    Alright, angry economists, here's your obvious solution: Ireland, Greece, and Portugal should just create their own Union of Fail and go back to their ancient methods of trade, i.e., exchanging vast quantities of fish for strong-backed virgins.

    Tags: Economy, Europe, Germany, Money


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