• The Onion: Future U.S. History Students: 'It's Pretty Embarrassing How Long You Guys Took to Legalize Gay Marriage'

    The Onion reports from the year 2083

    The classroom of 15-year-olds at MacArthur High School — all of whom were born in the late 2060s and grew up never questioning the obvious fact that homosexual couples deserve the right to get married — were reportedly "amazed" to learn in their Modern U.S. History: 2081 Edition textbooks that as late as the 2020s, gays and lesbians actually had to fight for the constitutional right to wed.

    "Wow, that is nuts," said student Jeremy Golliver, who claimed he knew gay rights was a struggle "like, a hundred years ago" but didn't realize it lasted so long. "It's really embarrassing, when you think about it. Just the fact that people in this century were actually saying things like, 'No, gays should not be allowed to marry,' and were getting all up in arms about it, as if homosexuals weren't full citizens or something. It's insane."

    "I mean, was everybody just a huge bigot back then or what?" Golliver added…

    "If they thought it was the right thing to do, why didn't President Clinton or Obama or whoever just say, 'Hey, discriminating against gay people is wrong, so let's let them get married'?" said Pete Merriam, 15, who was born in an age with no death penalty and with nationwide approval of a woman's right to choose. "I get that they wanted to be reelected or whatever, but come on. That is so stupid."

    Of course, this was before the Glorious Bovine Uprising, when humans were still interested in issue such as marriage equality instead of how to make their flesh most juicy and flavorful for their uddered overlords.

    Onion Sportsdome airs Tuesdays at 10:30/9:30c on Comedy Central.

    Tags: Barack Obama, Bill Clinton, LGBT, Marriage Equality, Onion Sportsdome, The Onion


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