• Why Are U.S. Retirees Living So Freakin' Long?

    Here at Indecision, we like to help with any problem we can, be it a congressional representative's sexy man-photos or something fancier to do with economics. Today we tackle this quandary: State governments across the U.S. have to come up with $555 billion to pay for unfunded retiree health benefits for former state and local workers. Eeeek!

    Tell us more, New York Times

    As they contend with growing budget deficits and higher pension costs, some mayors are complaining that their outlays for retiree health benefits are rising by 20 percent a year — a result of the wave of retirements of baby boomers and longer life expectancies on top of the double-digit rate of health care inflation.

    Longer life expectancies? In a country in which the population is morbidly obese, resistant to exercise or intelligent thought, wildly fond of carcinogenic fast food, addicted to caffeine and crappy television, and hellbent on polluting the shit out of its environment, how on earth are these humanoids living so damn long?

    The answer we've summoned is elegant in its pure simplicity: Americans are immortals. You know, like Highlander, except not Scottish, and without any talent at swordsmanship. YOU'RE WELCOME, concerned mayors of America.

    Now we're off to solve the mystery of high unemployment. Hint: it involves elves. We can't be more specific than that at this time.


    Tags: Health, Health Care, Money, Movies

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