Tony the Tiger, Toucan Sam, Ronald McDonald… these and other cheerful/sexy food mascots beckon children 'round the world to consume tons of delicious high-fructose corn syrup, toxic chemical additives, and other diabetes and/or cancer-inducing nutrients each and every day! Om nom nom nom NOM, are we right?
But now the boring-ass federal government wants to limit Big Food's God-given right to poison the masses through cutesy-wootesy propaganda…
The guidelines, released by the Federal Trade Commission, encompass a broad range of marketing efforts, including television and print ads, Web sites, online games that act as camouflaged advertisements, social media, product placements in movies, the use of movie characters in cross-promotions and fast-food children’s meals…
By explicitly tying advertising to childhood obesity, the government is suggesting there is a darker side to cuddly figures like Cap’n Crunch, the Keebler elves, Ronald McDonald and the movie and television characters used to promote food.
In the tradition of all great, highly-effective oversight efforts, these new guidelines are entirely optional. Good move, U.S. Government! As we all know, giant corporations are super-eager to voluntarily self-police, because they're just that noble.
Our prediction? Big Food ignores the government push, American kids stay corpulent, and we all die of Type II Diabetes. But that creepy Trix Rabbit lives to see another beautiful day.
May God bless him and his futile quest for Trix, and may God bless fat, stupid America.