• John Kerry, Marriage Counselor

    It’s no secret that Pakistan’s once-idyllic marriage to the United States has been troubled of late. For one thing, Pakistan maybe, possibly, potentially, sorta kinda might have knowingly harbored Osama bin Laden for a really long time — you know, since that’s where U.S. forces found him and killed his crazy ass the other week. And for another thing, American sky robots keep killing the shit out of Pakistani civilians in their creepily medieval and misogynist yet highly scenic border regions.

    Also, the U.S. has always had this intense flirtation with India, the sexier post-Partition sister, and Pakistan gets totes jealz. Can this marriage be saved?

    Noted therapist John Kerry (D-Massachusetts) is determined to set things right

    "In the Congress, this is a make-or-break moment" for aid to Pakistan, Mr. Kerry said in an interview just before he left for Afghanistan and Pakistan. Mr. Kerry said he would tell Pakistan that there needed to be "a real demonstration of commitment" to fighting terrorist groups in the next few months. But he will also reassure Pakistani officials that they will be a central part of any political accord with the Taliban in Afghanistan, to ease their fears that India will take over large areas of Afghanistan as the United States pulls out.

    Kerry will also coach the United States and Pakistan through the creation of their respective vision boards, using headlines and images from the cache of old National Geographic and YM magazines Kerry keeps in his briefcase at all times. Through the use of safety scissors, glitter, pastels, crayons, and sparkly glue, these two estranged spouses will collage their way to renewed love and devotion.

    Or, you know, declare war. One or the other.

    Photo by Aamir Qureshi/AFP/Getty Images


    Tags: John Kerry, Military, Osama bin Laden, Pakistan

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