Is there anything more glamorous than a Republican love story? You know the way this romantic tale always goes…white girl meets white boy, white girl humps white boy while his first white wife keeps busy raising their children, white girl marries white boy after white boy divorces aforementioned first white wife. Then repeat!
Here’s your handy guide to love, RNC 2012 style!
Callista and Newt
Newt “Family Values” Gingrich commenced banging Congressional aide Callista in his off-hours back in the ‘90s, while he was still married to his second wife (with whom he’d cheated on his first wife.) At the time, his on-the-job hours were spent raking Bill Clinton over the coals for having oral sex with an intern. Callista, who is 23 years younger than Newt, is now Wife #3.
Cheri and Mitch
In 1993, Cheri Daniels left her husband Mitch and their four daughters so that she could marry some other dude (BOLD!) She divorced the latter and got remarried to Mitch in 1997 (HOT!) She has yet to speak in public about it (MYSTERIOUS!)
Michele and Marcus
Michele Bachmann has publicly claimed that God told her to marry “Dr.” Marcus Bachmann, who today runs a pray-away-the-gay counseling center in Minnesota. Together, they’ve fostered 23 kids and spawned five bio-kids, one of whom politely turned down an offer to appear in Playgirl magazine!
Ann and Mitt
Ann and Mitt Romney started dating before Mitt left to convert all of France to Mormonism. When the Gallic nation proved resistant to his anti-alcohol, pro-war, God-gave-a-secret-text-on-secret-gold-tablets-to-a-random-18th-century-prophet belief system, Mitt returned home and married her. They have a bunch of attractive rich kids.
Tim and Mary
Tim Pawlenty was raised Catholic, but his wife Mary (a former Minnesota district court judge! hardcore!) was an evangelical Jesus-ian and now that’s what he is, too. They have two kids and are boring.
It’s like a goddamned fairy tale with these people.
Photo by Paul Morigi/WireImage
Tags: Callista Gingrich, Michele Bachmann, Mitch Daniels, Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich, Tim Pawlenty