• Chicago Is So Gay Today

    The sweatshirt-loving, bratwurst-chomping citizens of that city out in the middle of the country have something even more glorious than weirdly thick pizza to celebrate today.

    As of 7:30 a.m. Central Time, the charmingly down-to-earth citizens of Chicago were free to grab their same-sex partners by the hand and mosey on down to the courthouse, where they could wait in line to get civil union licenses whilst loudly reminiscing about that one time they saw Michael Jordan buy a hot dog on the street in 1992. Of course, straight people can also enter into civil unions now, but straight people are awful and boring.

    Thus, here's our Indecision List of the Best Ways to Celebrate Your Gay Chicago Civil Union!

    1. Find an elderly Polish person and give him or her a hearty gay high-five! This is easy to do in Chicago, a place where many humans are Polish and also old.

    2. Go to Boystown, the gayest-named gay enclave ever in the history of gays. Be gay there. More high-fives!

    3. You could see a game by the Chicago Cubs, or perhaps by the President's favorite team, the White Sox. Both of those teams are comprised entirely of men, which is awesome if you are a gay man but maybe boring if you are a lesbian lady? Still, high-fives for everyone!

    4. Drive around that giant lake, the one that looks like a boring ocean but is just a boring lake. Make out with your same-sex partner, or with your civil union license. High-five the rotund, mustachioed old cop who pulls you over for making out while driving. Then high-five the look of disgust right off his face! Try not to get arrested for assaulting an officer when you do this. A high-five to the face can FEEL a lot like a "slap," you know.

    At the end of your day of fun, if you are very very good, your out-of-control, rage-filled mayor will do one of his youthful ballerina dances for you to congratulate you on being a Chicago civil unionist. "Thanks, Rahm!" you'll shout, and after a quick high-five, you'll go home to have no-longer-so-illicit gay sex in your spacious reasonably-priced apartment.

    Enjoy it, Chicago, you big homosexual metropolis, you. We love your crazy gay ass.

    Tags: Chicago, Illinois, LGBT, Marriage Equality


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