It is with a hearty OMG and a loud WTF that we "report" (i.e., repost) the news that a federal grand jury charged former Senator John Edwards with using a buttload of campaign dinero to cover up the fact that he'd knocked up some crazyass hippie.
Specifically, the feds say he illegally spent $925,000 in campaign contributions to hide Rielle Hunter during the 2008 presidential campaign…
The grand jury's indictment in the case of USA v. Johnny Reid Edwards contained six counts, including conspiracy, four counts of receiving illegal campaign contributions and one count of false statements.
The indictment said the payments were a scheme to protect Edwards' White House ambitions. "A centerpiece of Edwards' candidacy was his public image as a devoted family man," the indictment said.
"Edwards knew that public revelation of the affair and the pregnancy would destroy his candidacy by, among other things, undermining Edwards' presentation of himself as a family man and by forcing his campaign to divert personnel and resources away from other campaign activities to respond to criticism and media scrutiny regarding the affair and pregnancy," the indictment added.
We hope those last two paragraphs were interesting, because we stopped reading after the article reminded us that John Edwards's real actual first name is "Johnny." Like, it's on his birth certificate. Like, he could've been a dance instructor at a old Borscht Belt Jewish resort in the Catskills back in the day and taught one innocent teenage girl how to dance… and to love. Or he could've been the subject of any one of like six Liz Phair songs. Or maybe Johnny used to work on the docks, until the union went on strike and — wait, no, that was Tommy.
Anyway, enjoy paying your way out of this one and never going to jail, Johnny! Because we all know that's what's going to happen, you handsome, white, corrupt, floppy-haired megamillionaire, you. Congratulations on not being poor and black, the end.
Photo by Charles Eshelman/FilmMagic /Getty Images
Tags: Crime, Democrats, John Edwards, Money, Rielle Hunter, Scandalgate