In Gross Old White Guys You Don't Want to Picture Having Sex news, Dominique Strauss-Kahn has been free from his ultra-luxe downtown Manhattan apartment prison for days — more than enough time for you to call him up and ask him for a date!
Now, ABC News Online has put together a marvelous little story about five DSK-related conspiracy theories floating around France. Let us read on and enjoy this non-newsy news piece thrown together at the last minute to fill a publishing quota…
1. Vengeance! Under Strauss-Kahn's sexxxy leadership, the International Monetary Fund predicted that China's economy would kick American ass. This gave Obama a sadz, so he magically conjured a Guinean immigrant maid with a credibility problem to accuse Strauss-Kahn of rape, or what the French call "a gentleman's privilege."
2. Sabotage! President Sarkozy saw that this political candidate was a comer (sorry) and took him out by colluding with the owners of the Manhattan Sofitel and… magically conjuring a Guinean immigrant maid with a credibility problem to accuse Strauss-Kahn of rape.
3. Roman Polanski! Somehow this is his fault? We can safely assume that ABC News Online needed five conspiracy theories to make a nice headline (four is so much less exciting) so they threw this one in without any further explanation. Some other European was once accused of rape! Wheeeee!
4. Judaism! Or as ABC News Online puts it, "A Rich Jew With a Fondness for Women." This is obviously self-explanatory, because the U.S. hates horny Jews.
5. Other countries also were pissed at Strauss-Kahn! Specifically, the Greeks and the Russians.
Are these conspiracy theories actually being tossed around France, or did ABC News Online simply need to craft a story to satisfy some editor's arbitrary decision about content? The world may never know.
Here's an Indecision conspiracy theory: Rapist or not, DSK is grossy-gross and unfit for human sexytime. The lamestream media is free to just reprint that sentence over and over again in place of its weirdsy space-filling puff pieces.
Photo by Marc Stamas/WireImage/Getty Images
Tags: Barack Obama, Dominique Strauss-Kahn, France, Money, New York City, Nicolas Sarkozy, Roman Polanski, Sex