In the wake of yesterday's awful, soul-crushing news that former U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations and part-time Wilford Brimley impersonator John Bolton and his glorious alabaster mustache have decided against jumping into the race to be the Republican to beat Barack Obama next year, we're all feeling a little unsettled.*
"Bolton's candidacy would have been a boost to the Mustached American community without question. The last Mustached American President of the United States was William Howard Taft. So indeed, it's been a long time coming and there has been reticence amongst our people to take that leap. That being said, we are hopeful Michelle Bachmann's bleached upper lip gets some attention…
"Mr. Cain's candidacy is indeed a beacon of shining light for our people, much like future New York Governor Jimmy McMillan's candidacy was in the Empire State last year. But, like Bob Barr when he served as the Libertarian Party candidate, the reality is that until Mr. Cain has the nomination of a major party — and he is indeed a viable candidate — we can only dream of a better world."
I had never realized the extent of this country's prejudice against mustachioed-Americans.
Now I think I finally get why all those Tea Partiers are always putting that Charlie Chaplin mustache on Barack Obama.
* I, myself, had a brief moment of panic when I misread the headline as "Michael Bolton and His Mullet Decide Against Presidential Run." I still hold out hope that the golden-throated one will come to his nation's aid in its hour of need.
Tags: Bob Barr, Fashion, Herman Cain, John Bolton, Michele Bachmann, Primaries, Republicans, United Nations