The weiner-wary* Ninth Congressional District of New York, disproportionately populated by Orthodox Jews and working-class Catholics, went to the polls yesterday and elected the only candidate capable of restoring dignity and honor to an elected office besmirched by Anthony Weiner's sexy Twittering.
That candidate: Republican Bob Turner, a retired television executive who has already elevated the nation's political discourse with his creation of "The Jerry Springer Show."
Wait, what? How does a Republican win 54% of the vote in a district that had been held by the Democrats since the Warren Harding administration?
Theory #1: Blame it all on THE JEWS…
But Representative Debbie Wasserman Schultz of Florida, the chairwoman of the Democratic National Committee, said the district’s large concentration of Orthodox Jews made it unusual and meant the race had few national ramifications.
"In this district, there is a large number of people who went to the polls tonight who didn't support the president to begin with and don’t support Democrats — and it’s nothing more than that," she said in a telephone interview.
Well, that should make Democrats feel better. Not like any Jewish voters ever make their home in a certain wang-shaped swing state…
Theory #2: "David Weprin," the Democrat with two-decades of public service experience who managed to lose a district Barack Obama carried by 11%, is Hebrew for "Martha Coakley." Though instead of insulting Red Sox nation, Weprin brought his own unique brand of incompetence to the race…
Polling lurched in Turner's direction late August when Weprin, in an interview with the New York Daily News editorial board, underestimated the size of the national debt by $10 trillion, suggesting he was ignorant about the main issue of the day. Then he dropped out of a debate, citing a hurricane that had already passed through the district.
Theory #3: We called this one. President Obama is so unpopular, he's losing elections in which he's not even candidate…
"It was all Obama — not even a thought of anything else," Turner consultant Steve Goldberg said.
I can hardly wait to see how many other House seats Obama manages to lose!
* Alt headlines: "Schlong-Scarred Voters Reject Democrat," "Weiner Screws Democrats Again," "Long Reach of Weiner's Wang Whacks Weprin." Don't mind me, I can do this all day.
Photo by Spencer Platt/Getty Images News/Getty Images
Tags: Anthony Weiner, Barack Obama, Bob Turner, David Weprin, House of Representatives, New York