• Barack Obama Learns to Speak Australian

    Australia is one of America's most stalwart allies, holding the distinction of being the only country possessing enough loyalty, friendship, and stupidity to fight alongside the United States in every major conflict since World War II (unlike those "pommy bastards" who sat out Vietnam).

    So when the U.S. had the temerity to inflict a Kim Kardashian visit on an innocent Australian public, there was only one way to make up for it: an official visit by President Obama, who was able say g'day to the Aussies and their Prime Minister, Julia Gillard, in their own lingo…

    I know there is some concern here that your Australian language is being Americanized so perhaps its time for us to reverse the trend. Tonight with your permission I'd like to give it a burl ("give it a try"). I want to thank the prime minister for a very productive meeting that we had today, I think she’ll agree that it was a real chinwag ("good chat").

    When Julia and I meet we listen to each other, we learn from each other, it’s not just a lot of ear-bashing ("telling you a thing or two") — that’s a good one, ear bashing. I can use that in Washington. (laughs) There’s a lot of ear-bashing sometimes. That’s been the story of our two nations. Through a century of progress and struggle we have stood together in good times and in bad. We've faced our share of sticky wickets ("difficult circumstances"). In some of our darkest moments when our countries have been threatened, when we needed a friend to count on, we’ve always been there for each other.

    I see a couple explanations for how Obama was able to charm the Australians with a little chinwagging and humor as dry as a dead dingo's donger.  Barack Obama could in fact be an Australian-borne half-kangaroo-half-man human-animal hybrid (it's a complicated theory, here's a starting point)…or, the yabber could be part of a calculated diplomatic-military offensive

    Australia has agreed to host a full US Marine task force in the coming years, Prime Minister Julia Gillard has announced at a news conference with US President Barack Obama in Canberra.

    She said about 250 US Marines would arrive next year, eventually being built up to 2,500 personnel. The deployment is being seen as a move to counter China's growing influence. But Mr Obama said the US was "stepping up its commitment to the entire Asia-Pacific", not excluding China.

    2,500 Marines are not enough to counter a 2 million+ strong People's Liberation Army, so I'm sorry Australia, but we're probably coming to take your…what, you don't have oil? Fine, your coal and gold. You've been warned.

    Photo by Stefan Postles/Getty Images News/Getty Images

    Tags: Australia, Barack Obama, China, International Affairs, Military


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