• Shadowy Cabal of Conservative Iowans Emerges to Topple Mitt Romney

    On a shady dark side street of Des Moines, a dark figure passes beneath the amber luminance of a lone street light. A desiccated leaf is pushed along by an ominous win until it brushes up against an nondescript alleyway door. A tightly-gloved hand raps thrice upon its peeling paint exterior. The door opens briefly and shuts once again. All is still. Somewhere in the distance, a cat is having a very scary-sounding orgasm.

    Someplace else — someplace more brightly lit and full of happy voices — Mitt Romney is contentedly chewing on a rather bland slice of pie, unaware that unfriendly forces in Iowa are conspiring against him

    Representatives for leading social conservative groups in Iowa held a secret meeting Monday as part of an effort with one main goal: find and support a Republican presidential candidate who can stop Mitt Romney in Iowa

    The meeting, the group's first, took place in a private office building in Des Moines on Monday. In attendance were representatives from the Iowa Faith and Freedom Coalition, The Family Leader, the group Iowa Right to Life, and a representative for the Iowa chapter of Concerned Women for America. Some pastors from prominent Iowa churches also attended the meeting…

    Sources say there were about 20 to 25 people present at the meeting and that another meeting is planned for Monday of next week. The effort is said to still be in the discussion phase. Participants were said to have narrowed their focus down to four candidates: Minnesota Rep. Michele Bachmann, Texas Gov. Rick Perry, former House Speaker Newt Gingrich and former Pennsylvania Sen. Rick Santorum.

    Oh, wait, what? Those are the other choices?

    Nevermind. Romney can go back to eating his shitty pie in peace. I thought for a second that this was a real thing. My bad.

    Photo by Richard Ellis/Getty Images News/Getty Images


    Tags: Christianity, Conservatives, Iowa, Mitt Romney, Primaries, Religion, Republicans

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