• Rick Santorum Is Running for President of Your Mom

    Poor Rick Santorum. The Iowa Caucuses are nearly a month away and the long-anticipated Santorum surge still hasn’t happened. The candidate has waited patiently as one bloated cartoon after another soars ahead of him in the polls.

    But the presidential race is a marathon, not a sprint. And Rick Santorum isn't the hare. He's the tortoise, the archconservative tortoise who frightens children with jarred fetuses

    Once Iowa conservatives are aware of Gingrich's record, Santorum said, "my guess is that they'll do what has happened to a lot of candidates, which is once you find out more about the candidates, you may try to look for another candidate.

    He added: "I may not be the guy that the girls are initially attracted to when they walk into the dance hall, but ultimately once you get to know all the folks, I'm the one you want to take home to Mom."

    OK, he's not the tortoise. Rick Santorum is the Christmas sweater-wearing, Michael Bublé-listening nice guy named Terry of the 2012 GOP race. He seems boring at first, always says the most awkward things, and doesn’t quite know what to do in the bedroom, but Mom kinda likes him, and let's face it, sister, you’re almost 30 and not getting any younger.

    After a while, his smooth jazz undertones win you over and you decide maybe he's the one for you. So you get married, pop out 10 or 15 kids, homeschool them until they go off to Bob Jones University, and before you know it, you've been Mrs. Santorum for the last 30 years. Sure, it wasn't the life you planned — it's wasn't even the life you wanted — but you know what? It was a life. Santorum 2012.

    Photo by Darren McCollester/Getty Images News/Getty Images


    Tags: Pennsylvania, Primaries, Republicans, Rick Santorum

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