• Newt Gingrich Promises America He Won't Cheat on His Wife Anymore

    Only a few weeks ago, Newt Gingrich's presidential campaign resembled an earnest attempt at the White House a lot less than it did a half-hearted marketing campaign for whichever of his books he had released the week prior. But now that he is inexplicably waaaay up in the polls less than a month before the Iowa caucuses, he seems to have a newfound sense of gravity for his efforts.

    So — you might be asking — just how serious is Newt Gingrich about becoming the GOP nominee reallyThis serious

    Gingrich, who has been married three times, specifically said he would "uphold the institution of marriage through personal fidelity to my spouse and respect for the marital bonds of others."

    Gingrich made the pledge to The Family Leader, a socially conservative group based in Iowa.

    "Personal fidelity to [his] spouse"?! The ultimate sacrifice! Does he even understand what that entails. That doesn't just mean a tapering down on getting blowjobs in the backseat of his limo. It means no blowjobs at all. And no handjobs or footjobs or nubjobs. Zero to all of it!

    Wow, he must really love America to make a promise like that.

    I just hope that we, as a nation, don't come down with cancer or something like that.

    Photo by Michael Nagle/Getty Images News/Getty Images


    Tags: Marriage Equality, Newt Gingrich, Primaries, Religion, Republicans, Sex, The Family Leader

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