• Kim Jong-Il Dies in Supreme, Glorious, High-Intensity Field Inspection

    There may be more rational explanations for today's news — like the fact that deaths happen in an unbroken series that we arbitrarily choose to assign into groups of three — but the most satisfying account involves Christopher Hitchens and Vaclav Havel being asked by God who they would like to complete their celebrity death trifecta.

    Because Hitchens and Havel were good human beings with a keen commitment to human rights, they picked Kim Jong-il, dictator of the Earth's largest Orwellian theme park, claymation star in Team America: World Police, and the worst person in the world

    Kim Jong-il, the North Korean leader who realized his family's dream of turning his starving country into a minor nuclear-weapons power even as the isolated nation sank further into despotism, died on Saturday of a heart attack, according to the country's state-run media. Within hours of the announcement, the South Korean news agency reported that North Korea tested an unspecified number of short-range missiles on Monday morning.

    It's getting mighty awkward in the Demilitarized Zone, which makes for the perfect opportunity to reflect on our missed chance to have John McCain and Sarah Palin in the White House. All we're getting from the White House are cautious statements about America's commitment to "stability on the Korean peninsula, and to the freedom and security of our allies." In a more humorous/terrifying world, Palin would issue statements about Kim's successor, Lil' Kim, while McCain readied the invasion forces.

    As it stands, all we can do is await the results of the all-important Pyongyang caucuses and Wonsan primaries, to see who will succeed the Ever-Victorious, Iron-Willed Commander, the Bright Sun of the 21st Century, the Glorious General, Who Descended From Heaven…

    A few hours after the announcement, the ruling Workers' Party and other state institutions released a joint statement suggesting Mr. Kim's chosen successor, his youngest son, Kim Jong-un, was in charge.

    The statement called the son "the great successor to the revolution" and "the eminent leader of the military and the people." It was the first time North Korea referred to the son as "leader" since his ailing father pulled him out of obscurity in September last year and made him a four-star general and vice chairman of the Central Military Commission of the Workers' Party.

    What, that's it?  If we're going to find a successor to the world's greatest golfer (38 under par the first time he played!), the inventor of the hamburger and Glorious Keeper of the Bouffant Haircut, we should at least offer the North Korean people a Donald Trump-moderated debate to assist them in their time of need.

    Photo by Pool/Getty Images News/Getty Images

    Tags: International Affairs, Kim Jong Il, Kim Jong-un, North Korea, South Korea


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