• Mitt Romney Is Too Rich to Release His Tax Returns

    When he’s not eating cheeseless pizza or awkwardly attempting to connect to human life forms, Mitt Romney is amassing money. At all times. Without doing any work. Whether through investments or residual Bain income, Romney is basically a money sponge, soaking up the wealth and happiness of ordinary Americans while the economy collapses.

    To make sure he’s not profiting in any illegal ways or otherwise abusing his Daddy Warbucksian wealth, voters would like to know exactly how much Romney rakes in each year. But alas, his tax returns, like his daily sideburn-grooming routine, shall remain forever shrouded in secrecy

    Mitt Romney, who is one of the wealthiest men ever to seek the presidency, said on Wednesday that he had no intention of releasing his tax returns if he became the Republican presidential nominee, breaking with a long tradition in both parties…

    A spokesman for President Obama's re-election campaign blasted Mr. Romney and questioned whether he had something to hide in his finances.

    "Why does Governor Romney feel like he can play by a different set of rules?" said Ben LaBolt, a spokesman for the Obama campaign.

    Because he actually can. You see, Mitt Romney is simply too rich to play by society's rules. He adheres only to a special set of guidelines for the rich, where down is up, right is left, and middle-class Americans are pathetic mole people who exist solely to fulfill one's every desire and ambition.

    To request that Romney release his personal financial records would be as absurd as asking him to fly coach, cook his own meals or wipe his own ass. It's almost as ridiculous as demanding that he hold the same political views for more than one election cycle.

    Photo by Alex Wong/Getty Images News/Getty Images

    Tags: Economy, Mitt Romney, Money, Primaries, Republicans, Taxes


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