Jordan: After besting all comers, Jared Logan and I, Jordan Carlos, were granted the mantle of Comedy Central's Indecision Delegates. Why? Because we are better than any J-school geek off the streets. And because we don't just ask the five Ws. We ask the sixth, which is "which?"
Bottom line, Jared and Jordan – Jored? Jardan? — will envelop this year in politics like it was one of those skinny-ass Kenyan runner guys in the Boston Marathon and we are the space blanket. We are the space blanket, America!
Jared: We thought it would be cool to start our soon-to-be-award-winning precedent-setting recorded-for-posterity blog empire by picking this year's GOP nominee.
My choice is the former ambassador to China, Mr. Jon Huntsman. I knew he was the man for me, when, in a debate, he responded to an attack from Mitt Romney by saying "Mitt poo tonny al gar cha ming too" [sic]. He was, of course, quoting the ancient Chinese proverb: "Mitt speaks and it is like hearing the output of an ox's backside."
There's another old Chinese proverb that says "May you live in interesting times." Like, for example, a time when the economy is in the crapper and you're trying to extricate your nation from two different wars simultaneously. These are interesting times and the sagacious Jon Huntsman is up to the task!
Jordan: Jared, Jon Huntsman dropped out of the race. A long time ago.
Jared: He did? Oh. Then it'll probably go to Romney.
Jordan: I would love to see Hillary Clinton enter the race… as the GOP candidate. I know she still secretly wants to be president. Besides, with Bachmann out, this race has become a total weiner roast. And like a lot of guys, I can't stand a party that's all dudes. Plus she's been at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue for nearly 12 years now. Top that, other people.
But yes, Romney will be the GOP candidate. I know this because newspeople have jack-hammered it into my skull. They also tell me what to buy, what to fear and also how to feel. Thank the lord! There was a time when party delegates chose a candidate at the national convention. There was also a time when Ryan Seacrest wasn't the only host of American Idol. Things had to change!
Jared: Never go against the media, Jordan. They are alpha and omega, the truth and the lie. If they say it's Romney, we have to accept him. He may not have Huntsman's bilingual kung fu or the Clinton dynasty's rock'n'roll swagger, but he has one thing they don't have: inevitability. Nothing can stop Mitt's rise to power. Not even voters or the Republican Party itself.
Still, it was fun speculating for speculation's sake. It made me feel like a true member of the media. Follow us throughout this election season — Jordan and I (call us Jored) will be on top of the news, maybe also underneath it or snuggling next to it. It's going to be an amazing year!
Previously: Meet the Delegates [VIDEO]
Photos by Kevork Djansezian/Getty Images News/Getty Images, Olivier Douliery-Pool/Getty Images News/Getty Images, Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images News/Getty Images
Tags: Hillary Clinton, Indecision Delegates, Jon Huntsman, Mitt Romney, Primaries, Republicans