Is that a lawfully-concealed handgun or is he just happy to see you? Trick question! The answer is YES, because it's time again for the Conservative Political Action Conference, creepily described by one longtime participant as "the bacchanal…when many young Republicans lose their virginity."
This year's conference promised even more awkward hilarity than usual thanks to a panel, hosted by pickup artist Wayne Elise (the "Juggler"), promising to teach horny young conservatives how to "avoid scaring away your own personal Dagny Taggart in the first five minutes of the conversation" and get the girl who has all the radiance of a non-efficient incandescent light bulb. Babes, let's caucus…
On dates, "try to outlaw questions," Elise said, prompting some quizzical looks from participants. "Say 'I'm not going to do any questions, I'm going to make statements.' Why? Because statements say something about you."
Sample statements: "You're the same height as my wife."
"When you walk up and you’re talking to the cute girl in a group don't just talk to the girl. Bring other people in." In a related tactic, should you see a hot girl in a bar do not approach — instead befriend a less attractive group and then recruit them to help you seduce her.
I believe this is the "open" approach to relationships we've heard too much about lately. But how to get from talking to showing her your long form?
One tip, he noted, was to introduce sensuality into early conversations with girls…to keep from falling into the platonic zone with your target.
Fair enough, but don't forget to bring your sweater vest for protection and remember: it's not the size of your superPAC, it's how you use it — just ask Rick Perry.
Photo by Win McNamee/Getty Images News/Getty Images
Tags: CPAC, Republicans, Sex