It's not too late to organize a killer party for the third-biggest event of the year (after Election Day and Arbor Day, duh) — just follow our handy tips for a Super Tuesday bash your guests won't forget, unless they do, in which case you'll know you've succeeded. Speaking of, you might want to start coughing at your desk now, so your boss won't be surprised when you call in sick on Wednesday.
Whom to Invite
There's nothing worse than having to explain Super Tuesday to a room full of chattering n00bs. "Wait, how does the Electoral College work again? Why do some states have caucuses instead of primaries? How come some states have more delegates than others?" Shuuut uuuuppp, I'm trying to watch this Wolf Blitzer special report. The only exception to the no-n00bs rule is if they are attractive and easily impressed by your ability to clarify electoral rules. ("Why don't you sit right here next to me and I'll demonstrate a binding caucus?") Otherwise, you want nerds. Straight-up nerds.
How to Prepare
Rearrange your living room/rec room/mom's basement so every seat has a clear, unobstructed view of the television. Remember, a Super Tuesday party can get rowdy, so move any fragile items or rare campaign posters out of the way.
If you have half an hour to run a vacuum over the floor and dust exposed surfaces, that's great, but don't bother doing a deep clean — your guests will be too pumped with adrenaline to notice, and everything's going to get messy again anyway. If you have pets, now's the time to get out their Uncle Sam outfits.
What to Eat
The best Super Tuesday party snacks are those that can be eaten without utensils and that won't cause choking when the CNN cameras cut to Anderson Cooper suspended in a News Tube full of holographic Info-Solution. Also chips. Not low-fat, either, Michelle.
Serve with Indecision's Super PAC-amole…
* Do to three avocados what Restore Our Future did to Newt Gingrich in Iowa.
* Slice a lime in half, then do to it what Barack Obama's doing to his big-money supporters.
* Mix well.
* Add one clove garlic, chopped into bits that are almost invisible, just like corporate donations.
* Salt to taste.
What to Drink
Stand for democracy by offering your guests a choice. Here are some suggestions…
* The Tea Party: Equal parts bourbon and sweet tea, over ice, garnished with a pocket copy of the Constitution.
* The Santorum: Chocolate ice cream, coffee brandy and milk. Blend until, you know, frothy. Serve with apologies.
* The Romney: Vodka and water with a celery swizzle of the perfect height.
* The Ron Paul: Goldschlager, neat, with extra gold.
* The Gingrich: Whatever makes you prone to ethics violations.
Be a Gracious Guest
Call ahead and ask your host if there's anything you can bring: dip, mixers, your Rick Santorum paper doll collection for sweater-vest-swapping fun during commercial breaks. If you're an uncommitted delegate (wink wink), Super Tuesday parties can be great places to meet someone you'd like to elect to the convention (if you know what I mean); it's not a breach of etiquette to inquire about the ratio of Republicans to Democrats on the invite list (and always practice safe voting). If you have a running mate, make sure it's okay to bring a guest. If your running mate is prone to gaffes, pick a secret warning word you can use to nip potential blunders in the bud ("Amtrak" is good).
Last but not least, don't monopolize the remote control. There is a little-known clause of the Sherman Act that applies specifically to this scenario, and your fellow partygoers should not be afraid to enforce it.
Photos by Jupiterimages/Brand X Pictures/Getty Images and Nikodem Nijaki/Wikimedia Commons
Tags: Alcohol, Food, Primaries, Republicans, Super Tuesday