Republicans disagree with each other on a lot of things, but there's one thing they pretty much all agree on. They all admire a certain mythical, legendary hero of yore: Ronald Reagan.
So, they genuinely take to heart what has come to be known as Ronald Reagan's Eleventh Commandment, namely "Thou shalt not speak ill of any fellow Republican." But are you aware that Reagan had ten other commandments that they take equally to heart? Behold!
Thou shalt anoint a very small group of people as "true Americans." Anybody who does not agree with that group is a "fake American," and as such has to go sit at the nerd table with the guy who has acne and the fat girl that never talks.
Should a foreign nation behave in a way deemed uncooperative, do not just attack them. Thou shalt sell a shitload of weapons to their angry neighbor nation. This will never come back to haunt you.
Yield not at 'conservative'! Be regressive! Champion the gold standard, challenge heliocentrism and bid the young ones toil away in the salt mines!
Let it be known that a woman's body belongs first to her elected representatives in Congress, then to her husband and then to her. This is the chain of command regarding vaginas.
Thou shalt give the voters a little show by playing a familiar archetype like the cowboy, the astronaut, the farmer, or maybe the the astronaut-farmer.
Thou shalt engender hostility between those people on the lowest rung of society and those who think they're not on the lowest rung but, come on, they are.
Thou shalt win a war. Even if it is a thumb war. Use your pinky if thou must, but win!
Thou shalt spend a lot, tax very little and never master basic economics.
Thou shalt reinvent/ruin something, and then name it after yourself. Reaganomics!
Though, verily I did not make it up, the Eleventh Commandment shall be called "Reagan's Eleventh Commandment" instead of "California Republican Party Chairman Gaylord Parkinson's Eleventh Commandment." Though dear Gaylord did invent the Eleventh Commandment, do I really need to tell you why it will not be dubbed "Gaylord's Commandment"?
These are Ronald Reagan's other ten commandments. Study them, follow them to the letter, and you will win one for the Gipper!
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Tags: Conservatives, Indecision Delegates, Jared Logan, Jordan Carlos, Republicans, Ronald Reagan