When attempting to predict the outcome of a huge primary day like today, it may be useful to create personality profiles for each of the states voting. Obviously, each of the states in this union has its own unique foibles and singular peccadilloes, and each of those differences will play into the candidate they ultimately chose.
With that in mind, I — armed with a half-completed semester of Psychology 101 — decided it fitting to profile each of the Super Tuesday states according to the popular Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, developed by Dr. Carl Jung and used by psychologists and stalkers the world over. I hope you find this enlightening and helpful in your own predictions…
ISFJ (introversion, sensing, feeling, judgment)
Quiet, people-oriented and kind-hearted, Vermont tends to put the needs of other above those of itself, which probably goes a long way toward explaining the smell of its citizens. Those people do realize that those crystal deodorant stick-things don't actually work, don't they? And, also, come on, get a real car. Do they still even make parts for VW buses?
ISFP (introversion, sensing, feeling, perception)
Quiet, serious, sensitive and kind. Unless you're not like them, in which case, get out. Seriously, out. That gun on the wall is not for show. Tennessee is not interested in leading others, except maybe to the state line. This state tends to have a "Live and Let Live" attitude, just so long as you do it nowhere near them. Enjoy your life, but way over there.
INFJ (introversion, intuition, feeling, judgment)
Quietly forceful and self-sufficient but with a romantic notion of the frontier's adventure. The citizens of Alaska are perfectly suited to live in a cold and rugged unforgiving state like Alaska, which is lucky because most of them probably wouldn't be welcome anywhere else. Also, beards tend to be smiled upon.
INTJ (introversion, intuition, thinking, judgment)
Get off North Dakota's lawn. In fact, don't even look at North Dakota's house. Just stay over there and everyone will be happy and no one will end up with a load of buckshot in their ass. North Dakota is highly independent, fiercely original and, hey, why are you staring at it like that? What do you think you're better than North Dakota?! We'll see about that…
INTP (introversion, intuition, thinking, perception)
Quiet, thoughtful, analytical individuals with little interest in leading or following others, Oklahoma truly exemplifies the pioneer spirit. It also exemplifies the spirit of ranchers who don't need you asking a bunch of questions about what they do with their cattle in their alone time. What happens between two consenting animals in the cold dark hours before sun break is none of your concern.
ESTP (extraversion, sensing, thinking, perception)
An action-oriented state full of people who will go out of their way to solve their problems as well as yours. Whether you want your problems solved or not. Too bad, you're problem is getting solved. And you're gonna like it! Very very friend, just so long as you have the proper skin-tone and are not a Yankees fan. In which case, you have a problem, and Massachusetts is more than happy to solve it.
ESFP (extraversion, sensing, feeling, perception)
An active state, Ohio lives for the moment finds pleasure in new experiences. Which, to Ohio, is almost everything. It dislikes theory and impersonal analysis and is steadfast in its determination to never make its mind up about anything, hence making it the perfect swing state.
ENTJ (extraversion, intuition, thinking, judgment)
Assertive and outspoken, Idaho places a high premium on knowledge and competence, without actually feeling the need to put any of that to actual use. Incredibly efficient and organized, willing to spend 18 waking hours a day in the creation of a potato.
ESFJ (extraversion, sensing, feeling, judgment)
Warm-hearted, popular, and conscientious, but with an unrelenting need for positive reinforcement to feel good about itself. Virginia is that incredibly gorgeous parent on PTA who is so incredibly kind and out-going and can't wait to take you aside and tell you everything that's wrong with all the other parents in the PTA.
Tags: Alaska, Georgia, Idaho, Massachusetts, North Dakota, Ohio, Oklahoma, Primaries, Republicans, Science & Technology, Super Tuesday, Tennessee, Vermont, Virginia