Ilya Gerner: I believe the trees will be the right height in Massachusetts, Virginia, Vermont, Alaska, Idaho, North Dakota and even Ohio. Too many slight dogwoods in the other states for Mitt Romney to do well. Also, too many Evangelicals.
Jess Dweck: Mitt Romney will win Massachusetts, Virginia and Vermont, while Rick Santorum will take Tennessee, Oklahoma and any other state that has more people than teeth. Newt Gingrich will be elected Moon President of Georgia.
Dan Poppy: Rick Santorum will win big in Oklahoma, confirming once and for all that Okies have never used Google. Mitt Romney will be genuinely surprised that there are people who like him. Ron Paul will burst into a thousand gold doubloons when a supporter slaps him on the back to congratulate him for winning Alaska. Newt Gingrich will be insufferable.
More predictions after the jump…
River Clegg: Newt Gingrich will win Georgia, and will proceed to act as if Georgia is bigger than Texas or the moon itself. Mitt Romney will succeed in Ohio and pretty much everywhere else. Rick Santorum will cry.
Georgia: Newt Gingrich will win this, partially because it's his home state, but also because Georgians like peach-shaped things.
Idaho: I don't think anyone really cares about this contest, so let's go ahead and give it to Ron Paul.
Massachusetts: A week ago, I was on the fence about this, but now I'm relatively certain that Mitt Romney has what it takes to eke out a victory in the state he used to govern and currently lives in.
North Dakota: Assuming the militia soldiers are willing to descend from their mountain fortresses for an afternoon, this one goes to Ron Paul.
Ohio: So tight! So so tight! So obviously Santorum takes it.
Oklahoma: It is my understanding that flavored food is frowned upon in Oklahoma. An obvious Romney win.
Tennessee: Is science still illegal in Tennessee? This has got to be a Santorum state.
Vermont: Fun fact – One-third of people in Vermont forget that they don't actually live in Massachusetts. So, this one will go to Romney.
Virginia: If Virginia really is for lovers, it has to be a Gingrich win. Unfortunately, he didn't make the ballot, so Romney wins by default.
Alaska: The coldest and most distant of all Super Tuesday states. Clearly another one for Romney.
Lisa Beth Johnson: Mitt Romney will win every state except Alaska, which will go to Ron Paul because he seems like a Northern Exposure character, and Oklahoma, which will go to Rick Santorum because it's Oklahoma. In a surprise twist, Georgia will tell Newt Gingrich that, frankly, it doesn't give a damn about him. He will retire to his plantation and go back to yelling at squirrels from the safety of his porch.
Mary Phillips-Sandy: Rick Santorum will come close enough to Mitt Romney in Ohio that we'll have the sweater vest to kick around for a while longer. Newt Gingrich will get a consolation prize (Georgia) and treat it like a Nobel Prize. By all rights Ron Paul should be thinking about dropping out, but he probably won't yet, because he refuses to accept the fiat math that says he hasn't got a chance. Mitt Romney will be the winner overall because people continue to vote for him even though they don't want to — it's like how you eat half a box of stale cereal, just because it's there, and because your other breakfast options are demonstrably insane.
Gonzalo Cordova: I predict Mitt Romney will be the big winner but the news coverage will still make it seem like he lost somehow. I also predict that immediately after winning a bunch of key contests, he'll treat us to another tone-deaf moment, possibly something along the lines of "Wow, I've won more states than I have cars."
Photo by Peter Cade/Iconica/Getty Images
Tags: Alaska, Georgia, Idaho, Massachusetts, Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich, North Dakota, Ohio, Oklahoma, Primaries, Republicans, Rick Santorum, Ron Paul, Super Tuesday, Tennessee, Vermont, Virginia