Turns out, there's a downside to operating under open primary rules. On the one hand, allowing all registered voters to participate in the candidate nominating process may expand your candidates' electability in the general election. On the other hand, such a primary might attract Democrats, chronic masturbators and other misfits.
Luckily, the Laurens County Republican Party of South Carolina has a solution: Demand that all candidates sign a purity oath certifying their fealty to "28 principles of Republicanism…"
You must oppose abortion, in any circumstances.
You must uphold the right to have guns, all kinds of guns.
You must endorse the idea of a balanced state and federal budget, whatever it takes, even if your primary responsibility is to be sure the county budget is balanced.
You must favor, and live up to, abstinence before marriage.
You must be faithful to your spouse. Your spouse cannot be a person of the same gender, and you are not allowed to favor any government action that would allow for civil unions of people of the same sex.
You cannot now, from the moment you sign this pledge, look at pornography.
Fortunately for Newt Gingrich and a former South Carolina governor who spent some time hiking the Argentinian happy trail, the State GOP declared the oath illegal and unenforceable, but that won't prevent Laurens County Republicans from encouraging candidates to sign the pledge.
As for Democrats, they won't be laughing when their last elected official is beaten in a landslide by Cleetus, the eunuch.
Photo by Joe Sohm/Photodisc/Getty Images
Tags: Porn, Primaries, Republicans, Sex, South Carolina