The 2012 Democratic National Convention — the most important post-primary, pre-Election Day event (for Democrats) of the election season — will be held on September 3 in Charlotte, North Carolina, and we, your Indecision delegates, will be there to cover it.
But why even go to the trouble? Everybody already knows that Obama is going to be the nominee, so why bother announcing it? Shouldn't Obama be working on other shit right now instead of having a big party in Charlotte?
Actually, there are so many other reasons to hold a Democratic National Convention besides announcing the nominee. Here are twelve…
1. Three words: Baldwin Brothers Reunion!
2. Noticing how gay rights activists and Obama passive-aggressively avoid making eye contact
3. Watching cops arrest protesters in suits and ties, instead of a bunch of nice hipster kids (for a change!)
4. An Obama speech that ends with the line "DUNZO!"
5. So much pork has been ordered that if we cancel the convention the price of pork futures will plummet, further slowing economic recovery
6. Day trip to the Outer Banks, y'all!
7. Speaking of Outer Banks… Jesse Ventura might show up and try to solve the mystery of the Lost Colony of Roanoke!
8. Name me a better way to piss off South Carolina?
9. Obama finally announces Phase Two of his master plan to infiltrate the American presidency as a foreign-born freedom-hating Islamic terrorist
10. Totally worth it just for the suffocatingly ironic fact that the party that calls itself the "Main Street Party" is having its convention at Bank of America Stadium.
11. Half-time entertainment from Pitbull and Bruno Mars! Get ready, ladies!!!
12. Charlotte will receive $50 million from the federal government for convention security. The city plans to spend half of that on undisclosed weapons for the police. So… $25 million of the taxpayers' money on surprise weapons that could be used against the aforementioned taxpayers! Let freedom ring!
Photo by Bill Clark/CQ-Roll Call Group/Getty Images
Tags: Democratic National Convention, Democrats, Indecision Delegates, Jared Logan, Jordan Carlos, North Carolina