As my colleague Lisa Johnson reported, the family of Dwight Eisenhower is none too happy that the former president and savior of the free world is being depicted in his proposed memorial as a "as a life-size barefoot young boy, a shrinky-dink tikey Ikey." Unfortunately for opponents of Frank Gehry's vision, members of the Eisenhower Memorial Commission announced this week that they are "unanimous in their total and unqualified support" for the sissified design.
Inspired by Dave Weigel's proposal for the Barack H. Obama National Monument ("A series of unfinished train tracks that lead up to an unfinished statue of the man himself, apparently in the middle of a speech. It costs an estimated $150 billion to build; attendance is mandatory for all American citizens"), I suggest we agree on how to best memorialize our potential presidents now, before time has erased our understanding of these politicians' essence.
The Mitt Romney National Monument
Designed by Jon Huntsman, it is a "perfectly lubricated weather vane." Using the same advanced computing technology that powers Romney, the vane's height is automatically adjusted to the average elevation of the trees in whatever state happens to be a battleground at the moment.
The Newt Gingrich Planetarium
Showcases the extent of the Gingrich Galactic Star Empire. It is constructed entirely with child labor.
The Ron Paul Federalist Monument
Flanked by Austrian flags and cast from solid gold, it is a statue of the doctor strangling Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke. Due to the closure of the National Park Service, plans for construction of this monument have been eliminated.
The Rick Santorum Wading Pool
Situated before a likeness of a sweater-vested Santorum, powerful jets keep the brownish water nice and frothy. Trust me, you don't want to go in there.
Tags: Barack Obama, Dwight Eisenhower, Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich, Rick Santorum, Ron Paul, Washington DC