As you are no doubt aware, today is a certain Minnesota-Representative-turned-failed-presidential-candidate's 56th birthday. To celebrate, we've drawn up this list of the 56 best things about Michele Bachmann. Don't say we never do anything for you, M-Ba!
1. She enjoys corn dogs.
2. She also enjoys "noodles, cheeses, chicken and bacon."
3. She's tough on Iran and knows our imaginary embassy in Tehran should be relocated to Krypton or Atlantis.
4. There was that one time she dressed up like Princess Leia at a debate. That was awesome.
5. She gets all her facts about HPV vaccinations from random women she meets, unless they happen to be scientists.
6. She was born 24 years after the Lindbergh baby kidnapping, so there's no way you're pinning that on her.
7. She never looks directly into a TV camera because she knows her eyes will turn the viewers at home into stone.
8. She totally understands why you didn't do your math homework.
9. She's pro-choice, in terms of lightbulbs.
10. She was the first Jewish Republican to run for president, and she's not even Jewish.
11. There's a rumor that she's raised a number of children, but since she mentions it so rarely we can't confirm.
12. She bravely fought to repeal Hoot-Smalley, despite the challenge of it not existing.
13. She was preceeded in office by a man named Mark Kennedy, and she has misquoted Abraham Lincoln, so… connect the dots.
14. When she talks to God, God talks back.
15. She's a decorated veteran of the War on Christmas.
16. She’ll do anything to keep her congressional seat. Except acknowledge science.
17. Her name, anagrammed, is Man! Blame Chic Hen.
18. She's never had a gaffe.
19. She knows there are great qualities in every American, even serial child killers.
20. She really understands the plight of that one black person she knows (Michael Steele).
21. She looks fantastic, especially considering 56 is 300 in Lizard People years.
22. One word: Marcus.
23. She'll never let President Obama tell you how many babies to have; only Jesus can do that.
24. She's invulnerable to evil. Even when he’s disguised as a cute little boy.
25. American humans have elected her to make laws at the federal level. Multiple times.
26. She has plenty of choot-spa.
27. She's twice as conservative as Ronald Reagan but only half the weight of Rush Limbaugh.
28. She believes you're never too young to be a Founding Father.
29. She makes Sarah Palin look reasonable.
30. She is a lovable little fuzz ball.
31. She had the guts to stand up to Big Census.
32. She was extremely popular with GOP primary voters. Ten months before any actual voting started, but still.
33. She gave America the House Tea Party caucus it didn't know it was clamoring for.
34. She still believes in Santa, even though he's an anagram for Satan.
35. She doesn't make a big freaking fuss about sweater vests.
36. She advocated a strategy of subpoenaing for freedom.
37. She studied literature in college, so apparently she knows how to read.
38. We're at least a year or so away from her reality TV show.
39. She's open-minded enough to "take the president at his word" that he was born in the United States.
40. She received her law degree from Oral Roberts University. Haha, Roberts.
41. Every once in a while she really does say something accurate about foreign policy.
42. One L, two Ns. Maverick.
43. She may never pose for the cover of Newsweek again, but if Death Panel Watch Monthly comes calling, you bet she'll answer.
44. She volunteered for Jimmy Carter's campaign as a college student back in 1976, so she has a solid track record of working to defeat Democrats.
45. She's read the Bible cover-to-cover. Well, parts of it.
46. She's never allowed mere ignorance on a subject to get in the way of having a strong opinion about it.
47. She encourages her husband's interest in doggie sunglasses.
48. She's gone on record that the Pope is not the Antichrist.
49. Her sister talks to Bigfoot who's her neighbor.
50. She submits to her husband, if not to rational thought.
51. She was the first woman to win the Iowa Straw Poll, unless you count Phil Gramm.
52. She's adaptable.
53. When she got heckled by a gay robot, she didn't even ask Marcus to re-program it.
54. She was brave enough to infiltrate the IRS as a double agent years before she would learn that she hated it.
55. She's not Mitt Romney.
56. She's perfect.
Tags: Birthers, Food, Health Care, House of Representatives, Iowa Straw Poll, Iran, Marcus Bachmann, Michele Bachmann, Minnesota, Religion, Science & Technology, Tea Party, War on Christmas