Forging birth certificates is the only political trick we have left with which to attack candidates and politicians. Don't believe me? Let's tune in to the Faulkner County, Arkansas sheriff's race, where someone is trying to discredit candidate Andy Shock by circulating a fake birth certificate and claiming he has an illegitimate child in Texas.
Faulkner County residents received anonymous letters sent from Hooks, Texas with information purporting to show that Shock, a Conway, Arkansas police major, fathered an illegitimate child and refuses to pay child support. It took authorities all of ten seconds to discover the documents were fakes. Probably the first clue was that the alleged love child was allegedly born in "Texarkana." Nice try, but no way that's a real place. You can't just shove state names together and expect us to believe it's a real place. But still, someone took the time to create and mail forgeries across state lines: That's an awfully elaborate ruse for a Faulkner County, Arkansas sheriff's race.
Listen, saboteur–can I call you saboteur? There are still three candidates in this race who require elaborate ruses. That's a lot of work! What are you thinking? No, seriously, what are you thinking? Is this some sort of performance art? You are so weird, weird Faulkner County sheriff election saboteur.
The good news is, Andy Shock is taking the attack in stride, and says he won't go negative in his campaign just because of a little ol' mail fraud. In fact, all of his opponents have come out against the hoax, saying the perpetrator should be prosecuted and offering Shock words of support. Haha, do you hear that, Faulkner-County-sheriff-election Grinch? Every Who down in Who-ville, the tall and the small, are singing, about how you're a weirdo with a weird plan who will probably face federal charges.
But anyway, congrats, Mr. Shock, for joining the ranks of candidates with birther issues.
Previously: Hamish Patterson, "People's dude, man."
Our friends at Dr Pepper are going to send Mr. Shock a one-of-a-kind t-shirt, and you get to choose its slogan:
Want a custom t-shirt of your own? Of course you do! Head to DrPepper.com and get started.
Tags: Arkansas, One of a Kind Candidates