• Conservative Pundit Convinced a Black Person Stole His Bike

    Mark Judge is a writer for the conservative outlet the Daily Caller and author of A Tremor of Bliss: Sex, Catholicism, and Rock 'n' Roll, which features sexytime tips from St. Thomas Aquinas and G.K. Chesterton as interpreted by Judge ("marriage is not a license for unrestrained sex to be indulged in whenever the mood strikes").

    More importantly, Judge really loved his L.L. Bean bicycle. A bicycle that was stolen in Washington, DC. By a black guy. Maybe. It's basically an updated version of the Bicycle Thief, except instead of being a classic neo-realist defense of humanism, it's the story of one white dude embracing his inner racist

    My white guilt died on Good Friday, April 6, 2012. That was the day my bike got stolen…

    I could be pretty certain that on Good Friday a member of the Little Sisters of the Poor, which is across the street from where I was parked, had not nicked my bike. Neither had the monks at the Dominican House of Studies on the corner. The students at Catholic University were on Easter break. That left the neighborhoods around the university. Since the time I was an undergrad at Catholic University in the 1980s, most of the crime that has occurred on campus has come from those neighborhoods, which are predominately black. As sure as it took the D.C. cops forever to get to the parking lot to file a report, I knew that the odds were very high that a black person had taken my bike…

    When I got home I vented to my friends. I told them I was going to scour those neighborhoods until I found the bike. In reply, a liberal friend gave me a lecture about profiling and told me to just forget about the bike. "That person needs our prayers and help," she said. "They haven't had the advantages we have."

    Needless to say, Judge does not take the advice of his imaginary liberal friend. Let's hope Eric Holder gets to the bottom of this so Judge can return to the enlightened views that garnered him Daily Caller column space in the first place.

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    Related: Rick Santorum Just Barely Manages to Not Say the N Word [VIDEO]

    Photo by Dan Kitwood/Getty Images News/Getty Images


    Tags: Conservatives, Crime, Racism, Washington DC

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