Hey Fellow Citizens! Jared Logan here. It's my job as delegate to dig up fascinating tidbits about the upcoming election. I was really excited to discover what some believe to be an authentic recently-leaked letter to Mitt Romney from George W. Bush. Check it out!
Hey man, what's up? Looks like your having some problems closing the deal with conservatives so my dad told me to write you and give you some advice.
First, man, I think your cool. You are friends with dudes that own sports teams. I owned a sports team. We are like two pigs in a pod. Gangsters 4 life. You like hip-hop?
Your problem is people don't like you. Maybe it is because you're a Mormon and you believe in having ten wives and worshipping weird cat gods in pyramids and stuff. First advisement: Worship the real Jesus which is specificly the Jesus of the United Methodist Church. Mention J.C. a lot because there are tons of people who just hear "Jesus" and then stop listening and vote for you. It's like a hypnotism suggestion or some shit.
OK other ideas to help you win. Do you by any chance have a brother that is the governor of an important swing state? A "swing" "state" is a big chunk of the country that might vote for either democrat or republican. If you don't that is too bad because that was crushal in my victory in 2002 or whenever.
Find out what a lot of people don't like and say you will write laws against that stuff. (You don't even have to write the laws later if you don't want!). In my campaign I picked gay people because lots of people don't like them. It's nothing personal. I don't have a problem with gay people. Jesus does.
Another thing is figure out a way to give everyone a prize for voting for you. Like in my campaign we did a tax thing where you got six hundred dollars for voting for me. So it's like I took them out for one free dinner to a decent restaurant.
But above all don't get discouraged. Remember it does not matter what you say or do. Some of the stuff I said on camera was like a goddamn Mad Lib. (You ever play those?) People aren't voting for your politics. They're buying your smile. And you got a great smile, Mitt!
OK man gotta go. Smash is on. Peace out dude and good luck with everything. I would give you a public endorsement but we both know that would just be adding a frying pan to the fryer.
Former President George W. Bush
Photo by Tim Sloan/AFP/Getty Images
Tags: George W. Bush, Indecision Delegates, Jared Logan, Mitt Romney