• Penguin Bites Newt Gingrich, Perhaps Initiating Animal Rebellion

    The animal kingdom has not fared well under human stewardship. Climate change is disturbing fragile ecosystems. Deforestation is destroying habitats. The rate of species extinctions is 100 to 1000 times the background rate of extinction recorded throughout evolutionary history.

    Perhaps it was only a matter of time before animals took matters into their own flippers, beaks and claws…

    The day after Newt Gingrich was bit by a penguin at a zoo, he acknowledged he is "the underdog" and said his campaign began renting their donor list because they needed money…

    Following a tour of the NASCAR museum, Gingrich said he spoke with Santorum in St. Louis, Mo. but only briefly. (This was the same day the Speaker visited the St. Louis Zoo, was nipped by a penguin and met a tiger named Callista — just like his wife, he joked to reporters.)

    The media is clearly missing the story by making only elliptical references to the penguin biting incident. Yes, releasing contributor lists to third parties is scummy, but every donor should have known Gingrich prefers "open" relationships.

    The real story is the leadership of this penguin, who mistook Gingrich's fishy oratory for actual fish and possibly set off a wider revolt

    A late-night encounter with four bears trying to snack from backyard birdfeeders gave Vermont's governor a lesson in what not to do in bear country. One of the bears chased Peter Shumlin and nearly caught the governor while he was trying to shoo the animals away…

    As he grabbed the other two [birdfeeders] and made his escape, "one of the bigger bears was interested in me."

    "It was probably six feet (2 meters) from me before I slammed the door and it ran the other way," Shumlin said. Shumlin said he didn't stop to get dressed, though he didn't reveal exactly how little he was wearing.

    "I sleep like many Vermont boys, without too much clothing at night. I'm not a big pajama person," he said. "The bottom line is: The bears were dressed better than I and they could have done some real damage."

    We humans don't stand a chance with that kind of cut and run attitude brought to us by nudist, liberal Vermont Democrats. At least Newt Gingrich would have challenged the bear to a Lincoln-Douglas debate.

    Photo by Jeff J Mitchell/Getty Images News/Getty Images


    Tags: Animals, Newt Gingrich, Peter Shumlin, Primaries, Republicans, Vermont

comments

About Us

Comedy Central's Indecision is the network's digital hub for news, politics and other jokes: we're here, we're everywhere. We're not affiliated with any television show. We're affiliated with ourselves.