Many former John Edwards supporters, initially attracted to his campaign by his incredible hair and eloquent statements on poverty in America, remain bitter at the reality that Edwards is an enormous douchebag. We should never have been so credulous. The man told us there were two Americas and we were shocked he had two families?
Opening arguments in the Edwards trial began on Monday, so to avoid any more unpleasant surprises, let's consider how his prosecution is going to continue debasing our national life…
1. If Edwards is found innocent, the government will be unable to study the unctuous slime the former senator emits whenever he smiles, speaks or shakes a hand. If we could only harness the power of this oil, our quest for renewable energy would be over, but the ACLU will probably block such experiments even if Edwards is convicted.
2. If Edwards is found guilty, your campaign contributions will now go to mistress maintenance payments. Edwards' is accused of asking his friends to direct $900,000 to Rielle Hunter in an effort to hide his affair with Hunter from his wife and the public. Under the government's theory, this represented a campaign donation that went unreported and exceeded the maximum allowable contribution. Which means that according to the DOJ, our politicians' affairs should be properly paid by campaign, not personal, funds.
3. Evan Bayh left electoral politics. John Thune refuses to run for president. Mitt Romney is still a less than even bet for the White House. Will we ever have a president with truly great hair again?
4. John Edwards 2016. What, are Republicans the only ones who reboot their political careers after leaving a wife with cancer?
5. This one is serious. Under the prosecution's theory, any third-party payment that could "influence an election" could be considered criminal. For example, if the friends of Illinois Rep. Joe Walsh were to pay his child support, this could lend legitimacy to his "family values" campaign and improve his chances of re-election. Following the government's argument in the Edwards case, this would be enough to send Walsh to jail for up to 30 years. Really, Edwards's most recent offense is forcing me to root for his acquittal. Thanks for ruining everything, asshat.
Photo by Sara D. Davis/Getty Images News/Getty Images
Tags: Corruption, Crime, John Edwards