• Newt Gingrich: Seven Ways in Which He Can Still Win

    newt gingrich

    Despite grumblings that Newt Gingrich might somehow actually manage to pull off a win in Delaware tonight, word on the street — that one big street they have in Delaware, I mean; you know the one — is that Newt Gingrich might be suspending his campaign tonight. Mostly probably because Mitt Romney has won, but there's likely a bunch of other reasons, too.

    But, is this the right thing for him to do? Yes, almost certainly, but maybe not. Here's a bunch of actual ways in which Newt Gingrich can still actually win actually…

    1. The Break in the Dam ScenarioGingrich aide R.C. Hammond explains that a big win for Gingrich in Delaware tonight could conceivably renew interest in his campaign and keep Romney from getting a true plurality of delegates before the convention this August.

    2. The Schroedinger's Mitt Scenario — A theoretical physicist will somehow manage to convince Mitt Romney to climb into a box along with a small flask of hydrocyanic acid and a bit of radioactive substance. Once the box is closed, there will be a 50 percent chance that the radioactive substance will trigger the flask to break thus killing the Republican frontrunner and a 50 percent chance that it will not. Therefore, Mitt Romney will be both alive and dead at once, proving once and for all to voters that he is unable to make a firm stance on any position. Frustrated and confused voters then flock to Gingrich.

    3. The Newt Gingrich Wins the Lottery Scenario – Assuming that, one day between now and the convention, Newt Gingrich can somehow manage to win a huge jackpot off a state lottery, he could conceivably be able to continue paying his campaign debts and ultimately win the nomination because people dig rich guys, apparently.

    4. The Mitt Romney Is Struck by Lightning Scenario - Mitt Romney is struck by lightning and all that they find of him his still-perfectly-coifed hair. In its grief, the Republican Party hands the nomination to Newt Gingrich.

    5. The Katy Perry Falls in Love with Newt Gingrich Scenario - Katy Perry — whom the young kids really like, supposedly, and who definitely has some really big boobs — totally falls for Newt Gingrich after seeing him on TV. Newt drops Callista like a plastic sack full of lukewarm spaghetti and the two get married on live television. Maybe American Idol or something. This changes everything!

    6. The Mitt Romney Just Gives It to Him Scenario – While conferring with his weird Mormon god, Romney has a sudden revelation about Newt Gingrich's vastly superior brain power. In a fit of shame and sorrow for ever having attempted to deny him his rightful place at the head of the Republican Party, Mitt Romney hands the nomination over to Gingrich before moving to Antarctica to atone for his sins.

    7. The Mitt Romney Is Eaten by a Pack of Wild Dogs Scenario - Very similar to the Mitt Romney Is Struck by Lightning Scenario, but more satisfying somehow.

    Photo by Scott Olson/Getty Images News/Getty Images


    Tags: Delaware, Newt Gingrich, Primaries, Republicans

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