• Indecision Delegates: Rebranding the GOP for the Hipster Vote

    With the "war on women" in full effect, efforts to roll tax rates back to pre-1950s depths mounting, and a stiff vanilla billionaire presidential candidate with perfect Brylcreem hair taking the stage, conservatives seem to be stuck in something of a time warp. Has the right been taking its cues from Downton Abbey? This kind of sepia-toned thinking wouldn't appeal to young voters, right? Or would it?!

    Think about it. Young men these days love to sport the handlebar mustaches their great great granddads used to wear. But why stop there?! Why not rock great great grandad’s political views, as well?! Republican attitudes and views are like something from a bygone era. And who’s into eras gone by? Answer: the kids — the hipster kids.

    Chances are, your great great grandad probably had a mini-stroke at the thought of women getting the vote or the very notion of law to protect child laborers, but how about those snazzy-ass fedoras he used to wear? You trust his opinions on style. Why not trust his opinions on politics too?

    Hipsters, if you’re going to dress like some relic, act like a relic. Go whole hog! Join an anti-Chinese society, make bathtub gin, suffer from a now-easily curable disease like rickets. It’s easy. These days, nobody has insurance, just like back when John Phillips Sousa was all rage. You know, back when people had style, and the ethnics knew their place. And while some among the hipster populi already practicing what’s being called "ironic" racism, just toss away that irony condom already and delve into those unenlightened, pushed-down feelings of white racial superiority raw dog style. How’s that for old school?!

    I really think hipsters could go for this. All the GOP has to do is connect with a bloc of eligible voters who are too cool to care and entice them to actually remove themselves from the shadows of their local coffee den and vote. My advice: Promise the flannel-wearers that if they vote GOP come November there will be a turkey in every oven and an anchor tattoo on every forearm.

    Jordan Carlos is a comedian. Follow him @jordancarlos.

    Related: Indecision Delegates: Ronald Reagan's Other Commandments

    Photo by Jay LaPrete/Getty Images News/Getty Images


    Tags: Conservatives, Indecision Delegates, Jordan Carlos, Republicans

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