10 Profound Ideas for Retiring Newt Gingrich's Debt

With his presidential campaign/book tour behind him, all that's left for Newt Gingrich are memories and campaign debt. Mostly debt. So much debt that some creditors despair of ever being repaid…

Vic Buttermore, owner of Signs Unlimited in Ocala, Fla., says he's "keeping my fingers crossed" the Gingrich campaign will pony up the $15,000 it still owes for an order of 25,000 "Newt 2012" lawn signs

"Am I nervous? Oh yeah, by all means," he said. "They keep telling us, 'We've got you covered, you will be paid.' But I have my doubts. I really do. That's a lot of money for a small company."

Some creditors are more sympathetic than others. The largest single outstanding debt appears to be $1.1 million for charter flights provided by  Moby Dick Airways, but they of all people should know the costs and risks associated with dealing with a great white whale. Still, in the interests of comity, here's 10 ways Gingrich can pay off his debts in profoundly Gingrichian ways…

1. Find another $1.6 million per year job as a historian.

2. Repay debts in depreciated moon colony dollars.

3. Undercut competition by launching janitorial services company staffed entirely by children.

4. Solve the world's helium shortage with personal supply of hot air.

5. Write more erotica.

6. Open a zoo.

7. Declare campaign email list to be in an open relationship with more vendors.*

8. Advertise Sheldon Adelson's casino properties with a face tattoo.

9. Develop penguin-based superpowers and take over the world.

10. Replace sugar daddy Sheldon Adelson with potentially more generous sugar daddy Mitt Romney.*

*Frankly, these two are already in the works, but you're welcome to the other eight, Newt.

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Related:
Goodnight Moon Colony: Indecision's Farewell to Newt Gingrich
Fifty Shades of Grey: The Lost Newt Gingrich Passages

Photo by Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images News/Getty Images

Tags: Money, Newt Gingrich, Primaries, Republicans