• One of a Kind Candidate: Michael Davis, U.S. House of Representatives, Elkins, West Virginia

    Michael Davis

    Michael Davis, a U.S. House of Representatives candidate from Elkins, West Virginia, is an environmentalist who supports cuts to the military and taxing the wealthy. He's taking on incumbent U.S. Rep. Shelley Moore Capito in the state's Republican primary, and — wait, the state's Republican primary? Screeching car tire sounds!

    Davis was a red-blooded Democrat, but he morphed into a red-blooded Republican last fall in order to challenge Capito, because apparently we can do that now. Davis, who calls himself a progressive Republican, says he is the only "true Republican" in the race. That's a Republican who, again, wants higher taxes on the rich and more investments in green energy. I will admit that typing this makes me feel rather uncomfortable. I'm a pretty open-minded guy, but if we don't protect the sanctity of party affiliations, we'll open up this country to an epidemic of man-on-Blue-Dog action.

    "I feel like I'm really part of the American party. I'm 100 percent for the 100 percent, and it seems like both parties are just concerned with getting 50 percent plus one," Davis says. He's like a beautifully grotesque donkey-elephant hybrid [Ed. note: donklephant!] who supports legalizing marijuana.

    But in the end, Davis had to choose one of the two major parties, so he went with the one he's in (for now). Third-party candidates rarely fare well, here in America. We want proud, strong true-or-false quizzes, not the hand-wringing of multiple choice. Essay questions are for Scandinavians.

    Beyond politics, Davis is an artist who looks a bit like and sounds a lot like televised narcotic Bob Ross, or if that reference is too old for you, like Justin Bieber if Justin Bieber had a 'fro and a public television show and painted whimsical nature scenery with such delight and calmness that it just washed away all the pain and sorrow in this wicked life. Like Bieber do.

    Also, I should mention that the other contender in the three-person race claims God told him to run. So there's that.

    Photo via michaeldavisforcongress.com

    Previously: Martin Casas, "Carpooler. Again."

    Our friends at Dr Pepper are going to send Mr. Davis a one-of-a-kind t-shirt, and you get to choose its slogan:

    Want a custom t-shirt of your own? Of course you do! Head to DrPepper.com and get started.

    Tags: One of a Kind Candidates, West Virginia