Contra Ronald Reagan, the government is often a bulwark of personal security and social stability, but it's nevertheless true that the most dangerous words in the English language next to "I'm from the government and I'm here to help" and "think of the children" are "somebody should do something."
Most often that somebody is New York Senator Chuck Schumer. And that something is usually a ban on fun.
However, unlike fellow politician-cum-babysitter Mike Bloomberg, whose penchant for paternalism extends to legislation that appeals to editorial boards and expert opinion but doesn't sit well with a majority of his constituents, Schumer targets causes popular with his middle-class suburban base. Wherever there's a father of two frowning over a local news story story about the kids these days, Chuck Schumer is there. Wherever the words "there ought to be a law," escape the lips of PTA mom, Chuck Schumer is there.
Your mission, should you choose to accept it: read the following statements and determine whether the quote is fabricated, or if Chuck Schumer was there…
1. Caffeine inhalers: "I am worried about how a product like this impacts kids and teens, who are particularly vulnerable to over-using a product that allows one to take hit-after-hit-after-hit, in rapid succession."
2. Four Loko: "Parents should be able to rest a little easier knowing that soon their children won't have access to this deadly brew."
3. Prepaid cell phones: "This proposal is overdue because for years, terrorists, drug kingpins and gang members have stayed one step ahead of the law by using prepaid phones that are hard to trace."
4. Synthetic marijuana and "bath salts": "Let this be a warning to those who make a profit manufacturing and selling killer chemical components to our teens and children: the jig is up."
5. Metal grill brushes: "Metal bristles are one topping no one wants on their burger this holiday season…Grilling season should be a great time for the whole family, not a time to be worried about an emergency visit to the hospital."
Answers: Surprise! It's Chuck Schumer, all the way down. (Yes, grill brushes.)
Photo by Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images News/Getty Images
Tags: Alcohol, Chuck Schumer, Drugs, Food