• Meet the Least Boring State in America

    You know what I love about Florida? It’s NEVER boring. Like NEVER.

    From the Miami man who ate another man’s face because he was free-basing bath salts (like you do), to bomb-lobbing wingnut/rhetoric-bot Allen West, to the ongoing Trayvon Martin tragedy with its toxic brew of racial acrimony and paranoia, the Sunshine State has occupied the headlines for months.

    No wonder: This is the state that gave us Hulk Hogan, Flo Rida and Gatorade. It's also home to Tom Petty and Ricky "Rose" Ross. For those of you who don't keep up with the news, Ross is the rapper so real they found a bloody corpse on his front lawn a couple of months back. What the hell? Florida is an enigma wrapped in terror wrapped in humidity. And I say this as someone who comes from Texas, the state that gave us Rick Perry and Vanilla Ice.

    It comes as little surprise to learn that Florida, a state that's home to many ethnicities — white, black, Jewish, Cuban, Seminole, Jamaican, Haitian (feel free to add others in the comments) — has created a special tradition for election seasons. They're keeping things interesting by keeping citizens from the polls, with a purge of voter rolls using dated DMV information. Sure, this is lame, and probably in violation of that pesky Voters' Rights Act, but something it's not is a snoozefest. People have been asking Gov. Rick Scott things like, Hey, why did you defy a federal warning to freeze the voter purge? And Gov. Rick Scott has been doing an excellent impersonation of a stone wall, saying only that he wants elections "to be fair." It's enough to make any free-thinking person tear his hair out, but like all things Florida, it's a total conversation starter. I'm talking about it right now!

    If Scott really wanted to spice things up, like pouring hot sauce on a Key West conch fritter, he could just say he doesn't want anything or anyone ruining Republican chances in his state — especially the Latins. Who knows? It still might happen. Anything could happen, in Florida.

    And of course this August the RNC is taking place in Tampa, the stripper capital of the world. The only reason to invite thousands of people to Florida in the disgusting heat of August is if you really, really need to show Florida how important it is [Ed. note: Funny you should mention this, Jordan. We are sending you and Jared to the RNC in the disgusting heat of August, so, get ready enjoy that!]. If Obama takes the state again, it's entirely possible Rick Scott will lose his own re-election campaign in 2014 and will have to spend the rest of his days guiding Everglades airboat tours.

    Whatever happens down there, it may make you angry. It may make you sweaty. It may make you long for a saner, more just world. But it won’t make your eyes glaze over — guaranteed. For that I salute you, Florida!

    Jordan Carlos is a comedian. Follow him @jordancarlos.


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    Photo by Mitchell Funk/Photographer's Choice/Getty Images

    Tags: Florida, Indecision Delegates, Rick Scott, RNC, Voter Suppression


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