Last week, the National Counter Terrorism Center released its 2011 Report on Terrorism, highlighting the contrast between the apocalyptic rhetoric associated with a terrorist threat and the reality that attacks are on the decline. And of the 13,288 people killed in terrorist incidents last year, only 17 (or 0.1 percent of the total) were private U.S. citizens.
All this would be welcome news, were it not reported in this fashion: "According to the report, the number of U.S. citizens who died in terrorist attacks increased by two between 2010 and 2011; overall, a comparable number of Americans are crushed to death by their televisions or furniture each year."
Great, another thing to be panicked about. We've known the criminal network responsible for the world's most heinous crimes to be spelled in so many different ways. Al Queda, al-Qaida, al-Qa'ida. Turns out it's spelled IKEA. Indeed, from 2008 to 2010, the Consumer Products Safety Commission estimated that an annual average of 43,400 emergency department-treated injuries and a total of 293 reported fatalities were the result of "instability of televisions, furniture and appliances."
For years, we've been warned that northern Europe represented a safe haven for the world's most dangerous criminals, but now we've at least narrowed our targeting down to Sweden. And although the furniture threat may come as news to intelligence analysts, it comes as no surprise to anyone who has bought from IKEA. Only a terror-sowing criminal mastermind with a pathological hatred of humanity could devise such assembly instructions.
On the bright side, at least IKEA will have an excuse for parts missing in its assemblies. You try delivering a whole DAGSTORP sofa amid President Obama's drone strikes.
Photo by Pascal Le Segretain/Getty Images News/Getty Images
Tags: Sweden, Terrorism