• Meet John Bryson, Secretary of Commerce and Felony Suspect

    Good morning, America. Did you know you had a Commerce Secretary named John Bryson? I was under the vague impression that this cabinet post was occupied by Token Asian-American Guy, but it turns out Gary Locke has been ably serving as Ambassador to China since August 2011, while Bryson has led our least notable federal agency since receiving Senate confirmation in October of last year.

    Why are we learning about the existence of Bryson just now? I'm sure it has something to do with his stewardship of the  National Institutes of Standards and Technology and the Bureau of Economic Analysis…

    Bryson was driving a Lexus in the 400 block of South San Gabriel Boulevard shortly after 5 p.m. Saturday, when he allegedly rear-ended a Buick as it was waiting for a train to pass, according to a statement released by the L.A. County Sheriff's Department and the San Gabriel Police Department.

    After briefly stopping to talk to the three men inside the Buick, Bryson left the location in the Lexus and then struck the Buick a second time, authorities said. The men followed Bryson's car and called 911 to ask for police assistance.

    C'mon, reality. The Tonys are over. I expect this kind of didactic nonsense from Broadway producers, maybe Hollywood on its bad days, but real-world symbolism requires a little more nuance than an Obama Commerce Secretary crashing his Japanese-made car into an American Buick, just as the economic news is dominated by coverage of a slowdown in jobs growth…

    Bryson continued to drive his Lexus into Rosemead, which is patrolled by the Los Angeles County Sheriff's Department. There, he allegedly crashed into a second vehicle near the intersection of San Gabriel Boulevard and Hellman Avenue.

    There authorities found him alone and unconscious behind the wheel of his car.

    That's a hit and run, and a hit. Somewhere, a hack screenplay writer is readying a copyright lawsuit, which might work were it not for the Commerce Department's purview over the Patent and Trademark Office.

    Despite a clean Breathalyzer result and suspicions that the crash was the result of a medical condition, drugs and alcohol have yet to be ruled out as causes, because considering the travails of previous Obama Commerce nominees, Bill Richardson and Judd Gregg, and the nature of the job, it would take some pretty serious stuff to convince anyone that this was a position worth accepting.

    UPDATE, 10:00 Eastern: According to a statement from the Department of Commerce, Bryson suffered a seizure in connection with the above incident. We hope he's well.

    Photo by Mark Wilson/Getty Images News/Getty Images

    Tags: Alcohol, Crime, Department of Commerce, John Bryson


About Us

Comedy Central's Indecision is the network's digital hub for news, politics and other jokes: we're here, we're everywhere. We're not affiliated with any television show. We're affiliated with ourselves.