Happy 4th of July, when we celebrate the dual miracles of our Founding Fathers finding the time to write an eloquent statement about freedom and the rights of man amid their busy schedule of raping their slave women and the equally impressive accomplishment of modern cable television in turning this anniversary into an occasion to air "documentaries" about UFO conspiracies.
To date, the Obama Administration's most high profile alleged cover up has been Operation Fast and Furious, a scheme to track the sale of guns to Mexican drug cartels. Luckily, there are more explosive coverups out there…
1. Mermaids – The BBC reported on this story yesterday…
There is no evidence that mermaids exist, a US government scientific agency has said. The National Ocean Service made the unusual declaration in response to public inquiries following a TV show on the mythical creatures. It is thought some viewers may have mistaken the programme for a documentary.
"No evidence of aquatic humanoids has ever been found," the service wrote in an online post
Yes, I'm sure that's what all those wheelchair-bound ladies with blankets over their "legs" want you to think. They're not retired mermaids, just regular Americans who want the government to keep its hands off their Medicare. Sure, grandma.
Also notice that nothing has been said of mermen. Has the Obama administration just implicitly admitted their existence?
2. Zombies – The Mermaid denial comes on the heels of an official Centers for Disease Control disavowal of the coming zombie apocalypse…
"CDC does not know of a virus or condition that would reanimate the dead (or one that would present zombie-like symptoms)," wrote agency spokesman David Daigle in an email to The Huffington Post.
I have seen this movie. Frantic scratching at the door comes about 10 minutes after the official government statement denying there's anything wrong.
3. Aliens – The Zombie denial followed an earlier response to a petition signed by 12,078 people calling on the government to "formally acknowledge an extraterrestrial presence engaging the human race." The White House Office of Science & Technology Policy's Phil Larson authored the reply…
Thank you for signing the petition asking the Obama Administration to acknowledge an extraterrestrial presence here on Earth.
The U.S. government has no evidence that any life exists outside our planet, or that an extraterrestrial presence has contacted or engaged any member of the human race. In addition, there is no credible information to suggest that any evidence is being hidden from the public's eye.
C'mon, do you mean to tell us that Mitt Romney isn't a Changeling?
Photo by Mark Kolbe/Getty Images News/Getty Images
Tags: 4th of July, Barack Obama, Science & Technology