• The Unofficial Biography of Mitt Romney

    Mitt Romney's website is, as a Mormon would say, pretty swell. But the other day I noticed that Romney's official campaign bio has several glaring omissions. As a Romney completist (I own all the Romney 2012 bobbleheads, buttons, beer coozies and limited-edition stemware) I decided to take a stab at writing a more thorough history of Mitt.


    Mitt "my real name is Willard" Romney's grandparents lived in polygamist Mormon colonies in Mexico but fled back to the United States during the Mexican revolution. The Romneys have a family history of border crossing, which is why Mitt's policies on immigration–such as his commitment to building a "high-tech" fence and denying illegal immigrants amnesty–are second to none.

    Mitt's dad was George Romney, the 43rd governor of Michigan. George was one of those rare politicians who truly spoke his mind. He supported the civil rights movement when that was an unpopular stance. He denounced U.S. involvement in Vietnam saying that his earlier support was due to "brainwashing" by U.S. diplomatic officials who briefed him. For some reason he lost the Republican nomination to Richard Nixon in 1968. Inspired by his father's example, Mitt Romney has dedicated his political career to not speaking his mind so much.

    Young Mitt grew up in Utah, riding horses and drinking milk and being folksy and normal. He met a girl named Ann Davies in grade school. They shared a strawberry phosphate at a drug counter while a Norman Rockwell-esque soda jerk looked on wistfully. A few days later those two scamps stole an apple pie from a window sill, but Mitt confessed to the theft and was spanked by a stern-yet-wise man who claimed to be his grandpa.

    Much later Mitt and Ann were married. They have five sons and eighteen grandchildren who are the center of their lives. As you can imagine, it's hard to make your children and grandchildren the center of your life when you're the head of a private equity firm or running for president, but Mitt and Ann make it work by scheduling five-minute photo-ops with the entire family at least once every eight weeks.

    Did we mention that Mitt Romney headed a private equity firm? This is an under-reported but true fact. Until 1999, Mitt was the head of Bain Capital, a firm that bought and restructured companies for profit. (Warning: If economics stuff  bores you, skip ahead to the paragraph about Ann Romney's struggle with breast cancer, because that's more human-interesty). Bain's record of creating incredible profits for its investors is unquestionable. Mitt made a lot of money for Bain Capital, which means (at least for the purposes of a presidential campaign) that he created jobs. Lots and lots of jobs. A basic premise of economics states that investor profits equal jobs, because let's face it, those mansions and Cadillacs are not going to clean themselves.

    It was during this time that Mitt Romney got used to the finer things in life, like his own personal car elevator. Mitt has been living the American Dream for so long he sometimes forgets little things, like how to eat cookies without insulting them. Still, he loves to hang out with normal folk persons and swap breeze-shooters: "Hey there, buddy-man, how's your… old… house doing? Do you like fish-catching? I love fish-catching with that… hook thing. Congratulations! Lemon wet good!"

    Despite their fabulous wealth, the Romneys are not strangers to hardship. Ann was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis in 1998 and recently fought a battle with breast cancer. These details are extremely relevant to Mitt Romney's presidential campaign, in that they are human-interesty.

    Mitt Romney ObamacareMost recently, Mitt was the governor of Massachusetts. During the 2012 primary, Mitt's Republican opponents accused him of being an M-word during his time in office. No, not Masshole. Moderate. This may seem true to someone who is not politically savvy (i.e. Michele Bachmann, Rick Perry). Let's look at the record: when Mitt was governor, Massachusetts passed a health care reform law requiring all residents to buy health insurance and requiring employers to pay a portion of their workers' health costs. A state exchange was created to offer subsidized plans for people who can't afford insurance.

    Sure, it sounds a lot like Obamacare, but it's nothing like Obamacare. Some major differences include: Obamacare has the word "Obama" in it. There are other differences. Did we mention the Romneys' eighteen grandchildren?

    Now, thanks to your forthcoming votes, Mitt Romney is about to become President of the United States of America. It's been a long, hard road. Every time he thought he had a stance people would like, it turned out he had to change it. That's a lot of work! You've got to print new pamphlets and change TV commercials at the last minute. But Mitt has persevered, because he is committed to a lack of commitment.

    Romney/Some Guy (Marco Rubio Maybe, Or That Portman Fellow, Whoever He Is??) 2012!

    Jared Logan is an expert comedy person with several years' experience telling jokes. Follow him @jaredlogan.

    Photos by Joe Raedle/Getty Images News/Getty Images; Alex Wong/Getty Images News/Getty Images

    Tags: Ann Romney, George Romney, Health Care, Indecision Delegates, Massachusetts, Mitt Romney


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