• Mitt Romney, Retroactively Retired Bain Capital Time Lord

    Seeking to explain the discrepancy between Mitt Romney having no responsibility for Bain Capital's investments in companies that specialized in outsourcing, laid off some of their workers or declared bankruptcy after 1999, while at the same time serving as the company's CEO and sole shareholder until 2002, Republican strategist Ed Gillespie admitted that Romney isn't a robot but belongs to an ancient alien race of humanoids known for their non-linear perception of time.

    "There may have been a thought at the time that it could be part-time," Gillespie said, when CNN's Candy Crowley asked him about Romney's 1999-2002  leave of absence from Bain. "It was not part-time. The Olympics was in a shambles. The International Olympic Committee was going to pull the Olympics from the United States of America, which would have been a huge embarrassment.

    "He took a leave of absence and in fact, ended up not going back at all and retired retroactively to February 1999 as a result."

    These new-found abilities represent an opportunity for the Republican campaign. Already, many have made the claim that, retroactively, George W. Bush, not Barack Obama, was responsible for the killing of Osama bin Laden. With Mitt Romney's abilities, they can make this so. Entitlement programs can also be saved this way, as millions of Americans work to until 80, but retroactively retire at the Social Security old retirement age of 67.

    In summary: Romney is retroactively not responsible for the terrible things that occurred as a result of leveraged bets by Bain Capital, which is a great and noble company that exemplifies Romney's skills as a businessman possessing the skills  necessary to restore the country's economy.

    Photo by Eric Kayne/Getty Images News/Getty Images


    Tags: Bain Capital, CNN, Ed Gillespie, Mitt Romney

comments

About Us

Comedy Central's Indecision is the network's digital hub for news, politics and other jokes: we're here, we're everywhere. We're not affiliated with any television show. We're affiliated with ourselves.