Arizona, we love you. We really do. Our hipster grandparents who think Florida is played out retire there. The Grand Canyon is worth its weight in gold, if it were possible to weigh a canyon. Also, chimichangas. But your politicians, your politicians are so much the opposite of normal human behavior. You know how they sound to the rest of us, right? You know this.
Sure, there are only a handful of Arizona politicians who are in the national news for being loonytunes, but it's hard not to assume the trend carries over to lesser-known officials. The border fence (in both the physical and the legislative sense), the noteworthy-even-for-America firearm fixation–it's like you were preparing for a zombie apocalypse, then just decided to live like it was already the zombie apocalypse. We're saying these things out of concern, Arizona, because we care.
So that said, we tread lightly as we peek into the life of this week's candidate. Retired Air Force Colonel Linda Thomas is running for Oracle School Board in Saddlebrooke. Okay, Linda, let's hear your plans for a summer reading/pistol cleaning program or a Lil' Militia afterschool club or something like that. Here it comes:
"I know from my military experience that if problems were easy to be solved they would have already been fixed. I know one person can’t do it alone." [Thomas] hopes to apply her skills to get communities more active and involved with the school district.
Wait, what's that? Instead of trumped-up rhetoric about throwing the bums out of office, you want to build a volunteer community network to make best use of limited resources so children have equal access to quality education? Col. Thomas, you are just too much.
But come on, show us some of that real Arizona flavor. Your state can't go a week without making national headlines for some batshit policy. I know you've got an identify-your-illegal-immigrant-classmate plan in the works somewhere in there. Let it all out:
Linda said that some of our students will one day be legislators or government leaders. "I want them to be smarter than me."
Um, paging Colonel Crackpot. You want politicians who are eggheads, not gunheads? Elitist book smarts, not all-American drunk-in-a-truck smarts? This is so ludicrous, there can only be one explanation: someone's not telling us her real agenda.
Fess up, Colonel. If you're secretly thinking of training our future politicians to act as bomb-sniffing dogs, just blink twice.
Previously: Bill Woolsey, "Secessionist's secessionist"
Our friends at Dr Pepper are going to send Ms. Thomas a one-of-a-kind t-shirt, and you get to choose its slogan:
Want a custom t-shirt of your own? Of course you do! Head to DrPepper.com and get started.
Tags: Arizona, One of a Kind Candidates