Welcome to The Indecision 11, our soft-hitting — caressing, really — politics questionnaire for smart, funny people. This week: Emily Heller, who appears TONIGHT on an all-new episode of John Oliver's New York Stand-Up Show, which you can watch on Comedy Central at 11/10c. She produces a weekly live stand-up show called The Afterlife, and the Just for Laughs festival in Montreal just named her one of their New Faces of Comedy. Follow that face: @MrEmilyHeller.
What's your earliest political memory?
When I was a sophomore in high school I phone banked for Al Gore. Later, I was on the phone with my boyfriend during election night. I remember saying something like, "We only need a few more states!" and him saying, "Well… would it be so bad if Bush won?" It was like the end of The Crying Game–turns out I had been dating a Republican the WHOLE TIME!
I also wrote a letter to President Clinton when I was 11, complaining about my P.E. teacher and comparing the whole situation to the Montgomery bus boycott. It was very classy, tasteful and not at all hyperbolic.
What do you think of people who don't vote?
I think of them often. I'm like, "What are they up to right now? It's really too bad we lost touch." Just kidding. I don't know. I understand how it happens. You're busy, America. You have all kinds of video games to play and diseases to die from.
If you could meet any political figure, living or dead, who would it be?
I think Lincoln would be a pretty interesting chat. Just to pick his brain about the gay rumors, and the vampire hunting rumors.
You're trapped in an elevator with the president. Strangely enough, you also have a superpower: the ability to make him do one thing of your choosing. What would you have him do?
I'm sure someone else has chosen this answer before, but I'm still gonna say I'd have him fix the elevator. It would be fun to make him promise–and mean it–to take a stand on universal health care and taxing Scrooge McDuck and all that, but what good would it do if we died in the elevator, curled up in each other's arms?
Have you ever supported a candidate, issue or campaign and regretted it later?
I voted yes on the bullet train in California, the one that was supposed to be built between San Francisco and Los Angeles. I don't regret my vote yet, but where is it? Build that thing, already.
If you ran for office, what would your campaign slogan be?
Fill in the blank: Washington, D.C. is __________________.
…a great place for dick pics.
Who's the sleaziest person in politics?
I mean… can anyone really hold a candle to Eliot Spitzer? Without erotically dripping hot wax on him?
Who's the sexiest person in politics?
Man, there is this one red-headed Kennedy that really does it for me. Not enough to remember his first name, though, apperently.
Tell us a joke.
What do you call a Libertarian in a wheelchair? A hypocrite! You see, because Libertarians don't want any social services or regulations like the Americans with Disabilities Act that would provide wheelchairs or- I don't know, is this offensive to people in wheelchairs? I'm not good at political jokes. If you see a Libertarian in a wheelchair, please be polite to them.
Photo by Mindy Tucker
Previously: Julie Klausner
Tags: Emily Heller, John Oliver's New York Stand-Up Show, The Indecision 11