• Mayor Bloomberg's War on Vibrators

    Who elected Michael Bloomberg Mayor of What We Put Inside Our Bodies? Nobody. That's who. If you're not free to mainline sugar water then what good is freedom? If democracy means you have to play hide-and-seek with fake teat milk, then democracy can suck it! And now the good people of NYC can't even stand in line to get a free Trojan vibrator! What's next?! I'll tell you what. Communism.

    This is just what Marx predicted. An end to the free market…

    City officials pulled the plug on a vibrator giveaway by the Trojan condom company yesterday, disappointing potentially thousands of pleasure-seeking women who hoped to get their hands on some no-cost sex toys.

    "I’m 57 years old. I should be able to get a vibrator!" declared Linda Postell, who was among hundreds of women (and men!) waiting in the heat on Pearl Street only to be left unsatisfied. "I have a problem with the smoking ban, and the soda ban — and now this!"

    What kind of monster would deny a 57-year-old woman a vibrator? For shame! This is just another example of the nanny state trying to hold us down and spank us on the behind because we've been very, very bad and need to be punished. Bloomberg better be careful or else roving gangs of sexually frustrated women are going to fill his streets even more than they already do.

    What's that? Oh. It was just a permit issue. The vibrator giveaway is back on. Ladies and gentlemen, start your engines. And God bless Mayor Bloomberg.

    Photo by Rubenstein/Wikimedia Commons

    Tags: Michael Bloomberg, New York City, Sex


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