Newt Gingrich will not have a speaking role at this year's Republican National Convention, so if you derive satisfaction from being sternly talked down to by a tubby older gentleman, you are going to have to pay for that, you sickos.
Unless, that is, you find yourself in a series of workshops the Romney campaign has nicknamed Newt University. According to the New York Times, Gingrich hopes to avoid sowing any discord at the Party's gathering in Tampa, instead focusing "on preparing his lesson plans for Newt University."
What profound, fundamental learning will be found in the syllabi of Newt U? Because the available courses are being kept hidden in a vault on a secret moon base, it is anyone's guess. Including mine…
Zoology 101 - This is an introduction to the anatomy and physiology of the animal kingdom. The course will examine the structure and function of animal organ systems in the framework of animals being awesome. Except for penguins. Penguins are terrible.
Comparative Language and Linguistics 201 - Learn the Language of the Ghetto.
Political Science 201 - How "Radical Change" is destroying America.
Political Science 202 - How "Fundamental Transformation" will save America.
Physics 203 - Lasers, space sex, and moon bases. How awesome are these things? Fundamentally awesome.
History 200 - Re-imagining the American Revolution as a declaration of an open relationship between the UK and the colonies.
Mineralogy 301 - A guided tour of the local Tiffany & Co.
Mechanical and Civil Engineering 400 - A seminar focusing on the fundamentals of structure, energetics and bonding that underpin the miraculous stability of Callista Gingrich's hair.
Frankly, I'm disappointed I won't be able to attend.
Photo by Joe Raedle/Getty Images News/Getty Images
Tags: Newt Gingrich, Republican National Convention