• Rain God Barack Obama Responsible for Drought, Says GOP

    To his credit, Speaker John Boehner has never entertained theories of Barack Obama being a Kenyan-born secret Muslim.

    But neither is the president a boring mainline Protestant. The truth is much more interesting: President Obama is the Hawaiian deity Lono, a rain god sometimes known as Lono-makua (Lono the Provider) for his ability to part the skies and bring fertility to starving crops.

    Yet for some reason, Obama-Lono is displeased. Maybe it's the insufficient tribute of his relatively lackluster fundraising. Maybe we have not sacrificed enough Christian gun-clingers in his honor. Whatever the reason, Boehner would like Obama-Lono to stop taking it out on Midwestern farmers…

    Obama, "continues to blame anyone and everyone for the drought but himself," reads a release from Boehner’s office posted online and distributed to reporters Monday. The quote was attributed to Boehner himself in a Financial Times story. The online post and the press release came from Boehner spokesperson Kevin Smith.

    The statement was later amended to read, "the president continues to blame anyone and everyone for failing to respond to the drought but himself," but the Republican National Committee went ahead with an attack blaming Obama for a 15% hike in the price of groceries, which can partly be attributed to the drought.

    Whatever the haters say, this approach to the drought represents an improvement in conservative messaging. Not only do these Obama critics reject Islamophobic conspiracy, they're beginning to accept anthropomorphic climate change. Though in this case, the "anthro" is just one guy.

    This is also means the Republicans believe that government has some role to play in disaster relief, either by passing a farm bill or literally making it rain, a definite improvement from the old philosophy of beating the drought with nothing but bootstraps and Boehner's tears.

    Photo by David Greedy/Getty Images News/Getty Images

    Tags: Agriculture, Barack Obama, Climate Change, John Boehner, Republicans, Weather


About Us

Comedy Central's Indecision is the network's digital hub for news, politics and other jokes: we're here, we're everywhere. We're not affiliated with any television show. We're affiliated with ourselves.